


Thanks for the memories (even though they weren't so great)

by LittleTurtle95



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Bad Jokes, Childhood Memories, Coming Out, Drinking & Talking, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Little Shit, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gaslighting, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentioned Sonia Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is His Own Warning, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-07 11:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20975279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtle95/pseuds/LittleTurtle95
Summary: Edward Kaspbrak is a regular middle aged man, risk analyst for a famous insurance company. He has a wife he doesn't love, and a long list of problems, varying from chronic asthma to panic attacks.One day, refreshing his Facebook dash, his sight gets caught by a man with dumb square glasses who's telling very unfunny jokes in his stand up comedy show.But if these jokes really aren't funny, why is he watching one video after the other, binge watching all of his works? Why is listening to this Richie Tozier's show making him feel alive, more than he's felt in years?Basically: what if Eddie saw one of Richie's shows and decided to go after him before Mike's call?





	1. The fun's just beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new on this site and this is my first work in English. I proof read it but since I'm not mothertongue there still could be a few mistakes. Feel free to point them out!
> 
> The title is based of a Fall Out Boy's song called "Thnks fr th mmrs", it's really nice, I recommend it.  
Please, enjoy ~

"Eddieeeeee!" the high pitched voice he heard coming from downstairs made him feel sick. The man scratched his temples and feverishly shut his eyelids, feeling the echo of a migraine starting to rise in his skull.

"Yes, hon?" Asked, looking for the Vicodin he was supposed to have in his pocket. His hands were shivering, but he successfully pull out the small box and let two white pills fall in the palm of his left hand.

"It's late, dear! Have you already gone grocery shopping?" Eddie swallowed his pills with no need of water. He was used to it, him having been sick since he was a small child. He didn't have a lot of memories about his childhood, he noticed now that he was thinking about it. The thought just made the migraine grow stronger.

"Yes hon, I've been there this morning" he replied, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. 

_"Did I cleanse my hands once I got back?" _He thought, his mind running thinking about the filthy money he just held in his hands. He started walking fast towards the bathroom

_"Slow down, Eddie bear! If you keep walking so fast you may fall down and break your neck! I don't want you to die, sweetie!" Sonia Kaspbrak, his mother, said standing close to the top of the stairs in the house he grew up in._

to take the cleanser. He nervously opened the locker above the sink and took it, spreading the jelly liquid being careful to cover every inch of his dirty hands.

It wasn't the first time Myra made him think about his mother. Of all the very few things he remembered about his childhood, his mother was the clearest images in his head.

Sonia was big. She was huge. Just like Myra. This was only one reason of all the things that made the two women look alike. First thing, both of them became Mrs Kaspbrak someday in their life. Then there was the weight, it was enormous. They were both over dramatic and prone to crying. And last but not least, both did take care of Eddie in a kind of paranoid way, trying to heal his sicknesses and making him feel like drowning in the process. 

While thinking about the drowning feeling the women of his life had caused to him, he choked and took a deep breath with his aspirator.

"Eddieeeeee! Still in the bathroom? You aren't washing your hands with cold water again, are you? You know it makes your skin dry and get hurt!" The woman's scream pierced in his skull and he started caressing his temples again, trying to keep focused.

"No, ma". He said, followed by an embarrassed "no, Myra", but she had already stopped listening to him.

He watched his face trough the mirror. He was pale, he'd got tremendous eye bags, and his sight focused to a mole in the middle of his cheek. He wondered if it had just got bigger.

_"I should go see the doctor to check on it" _he thought, with an heavy sigh. 

The door behind him slammed open and he helplessly watched Myra, her face flushed, who had just struggled only to stand up leaving the couch and go upstairs. She wasn't an athletic kind of woman. To be fair, she was actually quite lazy.

"Are you sure I should get going, Eddie bear? You're looking paler than usual" .

That day was Thursday, and Thursday, for Eddie's sake, was the day her favourite TV show aired on screen. She would have been going to a friend's house, a friend huge just like her, and she would have stayed over for dinner.

"I always look pale" he grunted, more to himself than to her.

"We should go see the doctor and make him look at your mole. Looks like it got bigger, could be skin cancer, you know". Then she shrugged her shoulders. "Lexotan is on the kitchen table, remember to take it after dinner. Don't go to bed late and don't wait for me awake, you know how sleep deprivation worsen your headache. Speaking of which, did you take your Vicodin?"

The man hesitated for a brief moment. Sometimes he believed he remembered days when he was a witty fast answering child. He had flashes of memories in which he fought playfully with some of his friends. He almost had the impression he actually partecipate in the occasional bickering and spoke for himself. But this kind of thoughts always vanished like mist at the end of April and he convinced himself of what had to be the undeniable truth: he was a passive, weak, obedient, loser man and even if he deeply desired to tell his wife that he didn't give a damn fuck about Vicodin and such bullshit and probably he didn't need it anyway, he just sheepishly nodded with a sad sigh between his lips.

She kissed his cheek and he felt his chest pressured and struggled breathing for a moment. He was so miserable he could have been crying.

"Good boy. See you tomorrow Eddie bear" she said, and her heavy steps faded as she was walking away. He stood still, silent in front of the sink, he wasn't even able to look at the mirror anymore. 

He finally relaxed a bit only when he heard the door closing behind her, meaning she was gone. He felt like an heavy weight just fell down his shoulders. God, he loved Thursdays. 

He was tired. The day at work had been stressful and hard. He had had two bad asthma attacks and he had taken his gastroprotective pills because he have had stomachache. He didn't feel very productive today, even if he loved his job a lot. He was a risk analyst for an important insurance company and he had to value the liability of the possible customers and rate the possibility of any sort of accidents that could hit them any time soon.

He walked lazily through the corridor, came downstairs, and stepped in the living room where Myra had left the TV on. The flat screen smart TV Myra had asked for, an expensive TV he bought with his own money even though he didn't watch anything for more than ten minutes at a time (the light of the screen made his eyes itch and redden pretty quickly). The TV he bought only because she wanted it.

_"Stop with this kind of thoughts Eddie, you're not being fair. You knew she was unemployed when you married her, she's your responsibility now"_ he thought, and shut it off. He was feeling empty and lonely. He was tempted to go to sleep without dinner but a voice that was a mix between his mother's and his wife's yelled in his brain that going to sleep before eating anything makes your knees feel weak, makes you faint and sometimes it even makes you die, so he went cook something to eat.

Less than one hour after he had already eaten, showered and brushed his teeth. He put himself in his white hypoallergenic cotton pyjamas and he layed in bed. He sighed and took his phone, checking notifications before finally letting himself sleep. 

He was scrolling his Facebook dash when he suddenly got goosebumps and felt his skin get warm. For a moment he felt like when you're just about to sleep and you suddenly feel like falling, your muscles tensing all at once. His hands shivered and the phone screen trembled, too.

It was an ABC Comedy post that popped up because a friend from work had left an haha reaction on it. It looked like a stand up comedy show, a video entitled _R__. T. presents: "the fun's just beginning"_

But it wasn't the appealing quote that gave him that crazy, disturbing, adrenalin feeling and it wasn't this quote to lead him to click play and actually watch the video right away. It was him.

A man dressed in full suit, dark curly hair jus a little too long falling on his forehead, dumb black squared glasses and the brightest smile Eddie had ever seen. For some reasons he just couldn't make himself stop looking at him. His looks were astonishingly magnetic.

_My wife just caught me jerking off over her bestfriend's Facebook profile. She didn't appreciate that a lot and she sent me to sleep on the couch. Tonight I'm not gonna ride her bike, if you know what I mean, so I was bored and I decided to join you here._

_I heard you paid to come see me saying this bullshit so let me tell you you're lucky I couldn't keep it in my pants._

_Like ass I was gonna loose my well deserved ride night to keep you company._

Eddie heard the crowd laugh, but he soon noticed he wasn't having a lot of fun, actually. The jokes were gross and grotesque, this was certainly not his favourite kind of humour. That's why he was absolutely shocked when he found himself starting a new video as soon as the first finished playing. He was starting to chuckle.

When the third video ended he was left breathless and he had got a really bad hiccup from laughing. He felt like he was discovering a side of himself he didn't even know. He used to think he hated this kind of "your mum" jokes and he certainly didn't like dumb pranks and such things.

Or did he?

He had the sudden impression he forgot something important. He had the quick sight of himself playfully tormenting another kid with a racket and a red little ball. It faded in a moment, leaving him shocked.

He always hated pranks and jokes, that's what he had always known. He nervously shook his head.

He had just laughed so hard for some stupid jokes he found himself asking what it truly meant.

His breath started to fasten, and he grabbed the aspirator, sucking desperately for air three times. 

After a while, he felt calm. He looked again at the screen and fixed his eyes to the man who smiled behind the stage's microphone. 

He was feeling really weird.

He was feeling like a child who had just inspectioned an old pair of jeans of his and found ten bucks he didn't remember he had lost. He shook his head. No this was more, a lot more. He was feeling like people in Antarctica who just had night and darkness for six months straight and are finally able to see the sun. Like a bird who comes home at last after a long migration overseas. Like some man that spent one year locked in a hospital room and is finally standing outside on his own legs, enjoying the cool breeze on his face for the first time.

He had to know who this man was. He had to. Something, everything in him was shouting that to him. He dropped his aspirator on the floor without even thinking and sat on the corner of the bed. He looked through all the hundreds of comments looking for some evidence about him but he couldn't find a damn thing. There were only people tagging friends, quoting the show or typing some "hahaha".

It couldn't work out. He feverishly checked the likes on the Facebook page to look for some "R. T." man that looked like him, _"he must have the like in the page that's posting his shows, doesn't he?"_, but there were more than one hundred and thirty thousand likes and it wasn't even an option.

He soon exited from Facebook and went straight to his Google app. His eyes were starting to itch and wet, but he definitely didn't mind it. He breathed and typed carefully

_The fun is starting stand up comedy R T_

What he saw made him drop the phone on the floor. He started shivering and he grabbed the blankets with all the strength he could manage.

The first result was a Wikipedia page, he could read the first lines even without entering the link.

_Richie (born Richard) Tozier, March 4th 1976, Derry, Maine._

It was like his skull was going to blow up and he painfully shut his eyes, his hands up to his face.

_Beep beep Richie! Laughs. A group of children riding their bikes. Fourth of July's parade. Handing an ice cream to a glassed cranky boy. Pull himself up, doctor K! His mother's medicine's locker. These are your anticonceptionale pills or what? But only virgins have this kind of visions? That's why I don't see anything? A desert street. Hot. Summer. Jumping down a cliff to the green water. It's me! My face, my clothes, my age! My birthday! It says I'm missing! An _ _open fridge and a freezing feeling up trough his spine. An almost shocking pain in his left arm. Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me! Eddie, look at me! Please Eds, look at me! Two hands that cup his chin and make his vision shift violently._

He realised he wasn't breathing and desperately sucked for air. 

"Richie" whispered, and felt he was going to be sick. He fell off the bed and grabbed the bucket he kept in the bedroom precisely for these occasions. He was covered in cold sweat, shivering like hell and threw up multiple times. The bedroom door suddenly slammed open 

"Eddie bear, you're awake! I told you..." and then she screamed her lungs out. 

When Myra got over her nervous breakdown and once she caused one to Eddie too, the two went back to sleep. She had convinced him to call off sick for the next day and he covered him under a huge ton of blankets. He was sweating like hell but she didn't let him get rid of them. He found himself thinking about what had just happened, even if he didn't even remember it at all.

In the exact moment Myra had opened the door he just started quickly to forget what he was thinking, just as waking up from a nightmare and soon forgetting what was it all about.

For some reason what he temporarily remembered had both burdened and lightened his heart at the same time. It sounded absurd, but that's what it did. And as soon as he forgot again, he was left with this weird feeling overwhelming him in his bed with no clue about what the cause would ever be. He closed his eyes and finally he fell asleep.

_Myra was crying, or was she his mother? The two of them were exactly the same in his mind. Whoever she was she looked even bigger than usual and was blocking the way to the door. She was ugly sobbing, loudly howling and looking at him._

_"Don't do this to me, Eddie bear! Don't leave me, please!" She screamed, collapsing on the floor without stopping to howl like hell._

_He wished to reply but his lips were magically kept shut and he couldn't speak nor move. He was frozen still._

_"I knew it was gonna happen! Do you want to leave me alone to die? How would I even make it without you? How would I make it without my Eddie bear?"_

_The room started to fill with dozens of bloody red ballons. He still couldn't move and he thought that if he couldn't be able to reach for his aspirator he would have chocked to death. One of the balloons floated in front of his face, on the red plastic surface he could see a bright white written** I 🖤 Derry.**_

_Derry. His hometown. His mother's town. The town of the..._

_Beep beep Eddie!_

_The balloon exploded with a loud bang and he jumped._

"Fuck!" he woke up screaming, covered in sweat. "Fucking blankets!" snorted, kicking them out of the bed with all his strength.

"Are you awake, Eddie bear? Remember your antiemetics!" he heard coming from downstairs. Myra must have been sat on the couch, after all it isn't like she ever did anything else in all her life. This was literally her only occupation.

Eddie felt like drowning one time more. He came out of the bed and yelled back "I'm taking them now!" even if more than a yell it came out like a cracking squeak. His throat hurted a lot and he moaned in pain.

He went downstairs and had a warm cup of tea for breakfast, then he brought Myra a pack of her favourite cookies. It would probably be empty before lunch.

"You know Eddie bear, you should totally go see the doctor today. Maybe I should carry you, you're not feeling well..."

"No!" he interrupted, as loud as he could with his hurting throat.

"You don't have to worry for me, I'll feel better driving. I'm sure it will help me". 

The woman didn't look so happy hearing this, but Eddie knew her laziness was the only thing that could overcome her will to protect him (keep him under control). He could totally win this fight.

"Are you sure? You're sick, you could faint while driving, crash your car and die!"

He tried to smile. "Of course I'm sure. I won't faint. Just relax, watch some TV, eat some snacks and I'll be back before youl'll even notice my absence!" he reassured her and went to put some decent clothes on. While he was in their bedroom, he packed his medicines and a few clothes in two bags. He went out without her noticing and enjoyed the cool morning breeze caressing his face. 

He unlocked his phone's screen. Richie Tozier's Wikipedia page was still open and he felt like a punch in his stomach looking at him.

He breathed deeply and turned on the car. He was going to do something crazy. Eddie Kaspbrak himself, the boring shy timid man he was, was going to do something definitely crazy. He wasn't head to the doctor's office, not at all. 

He typed _Richie Tozier show tickets_ on his phone and found out he was in L.A. He watched himself as he entered the site of a famous air company. He watched himself, Eddie Kaspbrak, the man who suffered from a bad case of motion sickness, buying the first available plane ticket to California, for a six hours flight. He watched himself leave the parking lot and go straight to the airport. He didn't know what kind of person he was anymore, he always had an idea of himself that now didn't look quite fitting. 

When he arrived to JFK he was already crying.


	2. Beep beep, asshole!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've seen Eddie struggling with finding his personality and fighting the need he felt of his wife, today we'll see Richie's personal struggle, that's very different but just as important.
> 
> TW: homophobic slurs
> 
> _"He even stopped walking for a moment to look at a young man that was jogging in shorts with earcuffs on._  
_"Don't be a fag" he said to himself, and kept wondering around, biting his lips hard."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs, f- word, internalised homophobia

Richie Tozier woke up stretching loudly. That was the day day he should play the third rerun of his ABC show, but he didn't feel nervous about it. This was his job after all, and he was pretty good at it. His agent always told him people liked him because he was natural and spontaneous on stage and he believed it.

_"Sure", _he thought, _"all agents probably say things like this to the actors they work for. It's literally their job" _and actually he was right.

Lance though, the man he was thinking about, sometimes said things to him that weren't exactly considered nice and that made him think he was probably honest about it.

He looked at the cigarettes near the bed and his chest ached. He was trying to quit the habit and was having an hell of a time in the process. His analyst told him that to be able to quit he should analyze the reasons why he started smoking in the first place, but he didn't remember it at all. He didn't remember even _when_ it originally happened, but it had to be when he was a boy. He didn't have much memories of that time after all.

He grabbed the packet and put it back down immediately, shaking his head. He was strong. He got this.

The man unlocked the screen of his phone and ignored Lance's twelve calls. His agent hated when he woke up late, even if he didn't have rehearsals to do. He ignored thousands of Instagram direct messages (when he first got the blue check he had hosted a party, even if he didn't care about it he liked being feisty even for the smallest reasons, probably because he always felt lonely), and for a moment looked at his grindr app craving to use it.

He never switched it on in California, he used to occasionally in the west coast where he wasn't famous, and he always liked to do it abroad, where nobody knew who he was and it couldn't make it to the news in America.

Lance was the only person in his life that knew his little secret and he always said he couldn't tell anyone or nobody would have payed to watch his shows anymore.

"Queers aren't funny Richie, everybody acknowledges this, get over it" he said.

_"Well, try tell it to Ellen __DeGenres__, she has seen more pussies than a pet vet and she's fucking hilarious" _he thought with a smirk. His long legs weren't exactly stable because he was still morning fuzzy. He nearly stumbled over the t-shirt he was wearing the day before.

"Fuck!" he grunted. He hated mornings before coffee, he always had, at last as long as he remembered.

He suddenly felt lonely, desperately. He was used to the feeling but sometimes it was stronger than usual and the though hit him harder. His agent was literally the only person close to him. He didn't even know if his parents were actually alive, in Derry. He didn't remember much about them and about his childhood in general.

Sure, he knew he was from Derry, he knew he attended elementary and middle school there, even high school for a couple of years, and he thought he must have had some friends. He knew he left at sixteen, without telling his parents, to run as away as possible from that fucking homophobic town. He knew he started in L.A. serving coffees at Starbucks and he ended up in an attic on the hills.

But he knew these informations like he knew the lines of his shows. It was a speech he knew by heart but he didn't exactly _remember_ what happened and how. It was hard to explain, actually.

He remembered a line from Tropic Thunder, one of his favourite movies:

_"Somebody close to you said; another flop and he's over. What do you have to say about it?" _

_"There's someone close to me?" _

He laughed at the joke but his heart was surprisingly heavy. He was an extrovert active person, his loneliness was making him suffer and he was about to go crazy. He was overly friendly, he knew a lot of people and there was even a few bunch of them he actually enjoyed to be with, but he couldn't be himself with them and that always stopped him to let himself get close. He felt like nobody could ever understand him.

_What you doing fag, you crying?_

He couldn't even hope to find someone for him because the news would find out immediately and he couldn't let it happen

_Look at the fairy, he's crying! Fucking hilarious!_

He tried to make things work with some women but it didn't work out at all, it just wasn't what he wanted.

_"I really am a loser, ain't I?" _he thought, trying to cook some eggs for breakfast. He drank some coffee and started craving for cigarettes. He had imposed to himself he wasn't gonna smoke before lunch, no matter what, and he was hurting like hell. He just couldn't think about anything else. It was unbearable. He kept looking at the clock, shivering hands, carving in his armpits with his nails. A nervous wreck.

He thought about drinking a glass of whiskey to stop thinking about smoking but it just didn't make sense. He wasn't gonna quit a vice like that to fall into something worse. He missed some hashish, too.

_"Welcome to Hollywood, babe" _he thought, shrugging his shoulders. There wasn't a man nor a woman in that God forsaken place who didn't try some kind of drug at least once.

Coke was quite trendy at the time, and the young folks liked some new kind of chemical pills he didn't even know how they're called, but he needed only some good old hashish to relax and chill a bit.

He finished his breakfast and his huge mug full of coffee, determined not to surrender and keep on with his promise. He decided he should go for a walk to distract himself and so he did. He quickly showered and put some clean clothes on. He put his brand new iPhone in his black jeans' pocket and left. He didn't mind to wash dishes, today the cleaning company was coming over and they would have taken care of it like they used to do three times a week.

He was almost running when he got outside, enjoying the warmth of the glowing western sun. His house was in Beverly Hills, one street away from West Hollywood. There were a lot of big stars in his neighborhood, hugely bigger than him, so people didn't stop him really often to take pictures and sign autographs. He felt lucky.

He slowly walked under the shadow of the palms, feeling nice in this hot wheater. He hated cold. He even stopped walking for a moment to look at a young man that was jogging in shorts with earcuffs on.

"Don't be a fag" he said to himself, and kept wondering around, biting his lips hard. Last time he actually _went _with someone was the year prior, during his Eurotrip. He loved being on vacation because he could act like himself for a while and God, he loved it.

A kid stopped him quoting a line of his show he miraculously remembered. He didn't write his own jokes, after all. _"Queers aren't funny, Richie, everybody __aknowledges__ this"_

He was lazily walking his way down the road when something, some_one_, caught his sight in a way that made him froze still. He blinked slowly, a weird feeling in his stomach.

There was a man, probably a tourist, who was looking at the sky, lost in his thoughts. He wasn't nearly attractive as the young man who was running in shorts, not at all, so he felt safe looking at him. It was heartwarming.

He just couldn't make himself look away, and he kept staring helplessly at him.

The man was short and kinda cute. His eyes were big and dark, Richie could have melt looking at them. He was weirdly dressed, with a bright red polo shirt, light brown horrible velvet shorts and not one but two fannypacks, a blue and a dark brown one. His brows were furrowed and his lips flat. There was something in him absurdly fascinating and Richie found himself thinking he had to say something to him.

When he was in public he usually was careful with his jokes, he didn't want to be known as a rude spoiled celebrity that enjoyed tormenting his fans and treated them like shit. But this time he really couldn't keep his mouth shut. It was like all the forces in the universe were making him tease him. Like the fate of the world depended on it.

"Hey, you! Are you keeping your extra fanny pack for tampons or what? Are you on your period or something?"

The man jumped and turned to face him, he looked surprised.

"Excuse me?"

He was immediately going to say sorry, but before he could, the man grinned and replied "if you need sanitary pads because you forgot yours at home you could have just asked, you know. Girls supporting girls, after all". As soon as he realised what he had just said he covered his mouth with his hands.

"Shit, sorry, usually I'm not like this".

_"Dear God, he's cute" _Richie thought, a grin appearing in his face. "Why are you saying sorry? I teased you first, after all".

He didn't reply, his eyes went wide and he whispered "you're Richie Tozier, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, do I know you?"

He shook his head. "I watched some of your shows on the internet"

"Well, it is always nice to meet a fan of mine!"

His nose wiggled and the sight made Richie's stomach turn upside down. He felt weirdly warm on the inside.

"I didn't say I was a fan of yours!"

"But you're not saying you aren't, either" he smiled, he was feeling like he was tipsy, and couldn't explain himself why. "You know who I am but I don't know who you are. What's your name?"

He looked at him, unsure about what to do. He was scanning him and Richie understood he was considering whether to tell him or not.

"Edward" he said in a soft breath.  
Richie didn't want that conversation to end, not at all, even if he didn't know why.

"Well, Edward, what are you doing here in L.A.?"

He slightly flushed and looked away.

"Nothing in particular!" he answered too quickly. Richie knew he was lying. "Am just on vacation. I'm from New York city" the man then opened one of the fanny packs, the blue one, and grabbed what it looked like an aspirator. He nervously triggered it and breathed. The sight made Richie close his eyes in pain and bring his hands to his temples, feeling like something just deeply pierced his skull with a blade.

_It's dark. They're all together in the garage. He hears a muffled noise and turns. He always turns for him, always, God knows how much he cares and how much it feels right even if it's not supposed to be. The kid is weakly breathing, mouth on his aspirator._   
_"It's summer! Shit, it's summer! We should be outside playing and I can't breathe! I've a fucking asthma attack, I can't breathe!"_

"Everything okay? Do you want some Vicodin? I've got three boxes!" the first thing Richie saw opening his eyes was his face a few inches away. He involuntarily stepped back.

"No! I just... I just had a thought. But I can't even remember what it was about, actually"

"Lately it's happening to me too, it's infuriating". His brown fannypack started buzzing and he rolled his eyes.

"Not gonna pick up, Eduardo?"

"Absolutely not, it must be my wife. I ran away from home this morning and I didn't speak with her since. I don't want to talk to her any time soon"

_"My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife"_

For some reasons, the thought he was married was hurting him way more than it should. Why should it hurt at all, anyway? It couldn't be because of what he was thinking. They had just met, right? Richie couldn't be already...

"So you're married. To like, a woman?" he just couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Well, fuck you!" he grunted, only to quickly ask "and you? Are you, erm, Married?"

Richie grinned. "Of course I am!"

"Really?" he asked, with a weird expression on his face.

"Yeah, didn't you know?"

"I told you, I'm not a fan of-"

"Me and your mum are being really happy lately!"

There was a moment of silence and Eddie bursted into laugh. The sound made Richie's heart melt and he decided to risk it.

"Erm, you know, you watched some shows of mine, and you're here on vacation, right? I'm on stage tonight, I can let you have a ticket, if you want. It's on me, of course. What do you say?"

_"You've definitely gone crazy Richie, what the hell are you even doing? You're being a fag, abort, now!"_

The man blushed brighter than before.

"Well, uhm, I happen to have already a ticket, actually. That's the reason I'm here" he tried to smile, he sounded embarrassed.

"You came coast to coast to watch one of my shows, all the way from New York city? And you said you weren't a fan!"

"Stop smiling like that! I swear, I'm not, I don't even find your jokes funny, if have to be honest! I don't even know why I'm here!"

"If you don't like my jokes and you came here anyway, there must be only one reason for it, you know?"

"Really? And what could it possibly be?" he asked, a sceptical look on his face.

"You came here for my pretty face, didn't you, _Eds_?"

"Woah, _beep beep, _asshole!" he yelled, pushing him away playfully.

They both froze.

Richie could hear his heart beating like crazy in his chest. He leaned on a litter bin he was standing next to, while Eddie sucked in his aspirator again. They stared at eachother with a scared look on both their faces.

"I... I must go now. My pleasure, Mr. Tozier" whispered, and without any more words he turned back and started to walk away. Richie was feeling sick, but he couldn't let him go like that.

"Wait! Just come ten minutes early tonight, I'll show you around the backstage!" he knew he sounded desperate but he couldn't care less.

"Okay" the man answered, but he didn't look so firm in his decision.

"What do I say to the guards? Edward...?"

"Kaspbrak. See you" he said, and quickly turned his back, walking away.

_"Eddie Kaspbrak" _he thought, and threw up in the litter bin he was holding up himself to.

Rehearsal was a complete disaster. His agent was furious. Richie kept forgetting the lines and feeling confused and lost. He was in his dressing room, sitting on a chair with a nervous look.

"You have to do better tonight Richie or it will be hell. People pay to come see you, do you get it, man?"

"This means they're stupid so I wouldn't worry too much"

"This isn't a fucking joke, okay? This is serious business!"

He ignored him and said "There's a friend of mine who's gonna come soon, Edward Kaspbrak's his name. Tell the guys to let him in, he's with me"

Lance stared at him, his look was serious and suspicious.

"He isn't one of your kind, is he? You know you're not allowed to..."

"I told you. He's a _friend_" replied, his voice cold.

"If it makes you play a good one tonight he can even give you a blowjob for that matter. I'm feeling particularly generous. But don't screw the show or it's gonna get cancelled, I warn you" he shouted, walking away.

Richie was starting to realise that maybe Lance's complains about his sexuality and his opinion about him having to be in the closet in general weren't about the sake of his career but more about an homophobic problem he had. He sighed and went out the room, exiting the building through the fire escape. He looked down the iron stairs helplessly as he lighted himself a cigarette, only the third of the day. He was really succeeding at quitting, he thought.

He asked himself if the man was going to show up, probably not. They barely knew eachother. But if he already had a ticket, it would have been easy to just arrive ten minutes early, wouldn't it? Ten minutes that were starting about now.

"Could you put that shit off? I don't want lung cancer"

Richie jumped. He turned to face the man who said it, he already knew who he was.

"What?"

"The cigarette. Could you put it out? I'm immunosuppressed, I could die for this!"

Eddie was staring at him next to the door. "I can't come close if you don't".

Richie noticed he was looking at him with the dumbest expression and dropped the cig down the stairs.

"I'm trying to quit anyway" he said.

"Well you're right if you do, it's the worst addiction ever and it brings you closer to death"

"You know Vicodin too gives you addiction, don't you? And it's definitely bad for your liver, too!

He furrowed his brows, offended.

"It's a totally different thing! Without it I would feel worse! Without smoking you'd feel just fine! It's a totally, totally different thing!"

"Keep telling that yourself, man!" he grinned, and saw the other man was going to reply.

God, he loved their banter. Before he could say anything, Eddie's phone started to buzz again. The man suddenly became pale. He grabbed his aspirator and took a long breath.

"Hey mate, it's okay. Relax. Maybe you should just answer"

"I don't want to. If I do she'll start yelling at me, I don't want to hear it"

"I can talk to her if you want" he said, surprising even himself.

"And what would you say exactly?"

The man was scared and looked like he was about to have a panic attack. Richie touched his shoulder softly and looked at him straight in the eyes.

_"He isn't one of your kind, isn't he? You know you're not allowed to..."_

"I would tell her to leave you the fuck alone" he whispered and it was true. He felt like if he had to fight with some spoiled middle aged woman from New York to make him feel better then fuck, so be it.

"I'll do it myself. Thanks" he looked somehow more firm and serious, and finally grinned "I'm feeling particularly brave today"

Richie swallowed loudly. The phone was still buzzing. He saw him took it and read the number. A face of pure horror rose on him as soon as he did and he would have dropped the phone down the stairs if Richie didn't took his hand in his own just in time.

He noticed the call was from an unknown number. An unknown number calling from Maine. While they were holding the phone together, Richie answered the call with his free hand and put it on speaker.

"Edward Kaspbrak here, who's speaking?" the sound he made was weak and broken.

"Hi, Eddie", the voice sent shivers run through Richie's spine. "It's Mike"

"Sorry, Mike who?"

It was Richie who answered the question.

"Mike Hanlon. From Derry"

"Scuse me sir, this is a private conversation, how many people I'm talking to?"

"It's just us, Eds and I. I'm Richie, Mike. Richie Tozier"

"Richie? What are you...? You're not supposed to... Well, I don't mind. It only makes things easier, actually"

"Why did you call, Mike? What's the matter?" Eddie croaked. Richie felt the sudden urge to touch him, caress his cheek, his shoulder, his head, anything. They were still holding the phone, their hands pressed together.

"It's back. You have to come here to Derry soon, both of you. Tomorrow. You promised, remember?"

"Tomorrow? Mike, I've got work to do, shows to air, you can't just..."

"You promised. I have to go now. I'm gonna call Stan. See you tomorrow guys" he finally said, then the line fell silent.

"Fucking piece of shit, hanging up the phone just like that! I... I..." he hold the handrail and threw up down the stairs. Eddie let out a loud squeak. He sucked from his aspirator three times. Richie turned and stared at him, eyes wide.

_E__ddie Kaspbrak. Mike Hanlon. Stanley Uris. Bill Denbrough. Beverly Marsh. Ben _ _Hanscom_ _. All of them, standing in a circle. The blood oath. The cut on his palm._

"Fuck"

"Richie, oh my God"

"Eds. Eds... fuck" he just couldn't explain himself how he could even manage to forget the man standing in front of him. The boy he was in love with all of his childhood. The man he was in love with right now. He knew it. The feeling never faded away, it was always been there, he just didn't know it. He tried to get closer but Eddie stepped back.

"Sorry, germaphobe. You've just been sick right in front of me"

"Oh, yes. I remember. Do you have a towel?"  
He quickly nodded and handed him one from his blue fanny pack. Richie smiled. "Of course you do, why am I not surprised? You haven't changed a bit" he cleaned himself carefully.

"You haven't changed, too" he replied, but when Richie was just about to tell him something, Lance appeared with a red face and yelled "what the hell are you doing? You're on air in thirty seconds!"

Richie heard Eddie calling his name and shouted "see you in my changing room when the show's over!"

"You're a mess. I'll make them bring you some water" Lance said.

"Bourbon" he suggested, and he got on stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I appreciate any feedback you'll give me!  
The call finally arrived, and the two remembered eachother!  
Tomorrow they'll have to deal with all the feelings this is going to bring on the surface!


	3. Braver than you think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing better than a good moment between old friends to let go of the past.
> 
> “He noticed Richie was staring and hold his seatbelt, scared. "Eyes... eyes to the road, Rich!" he pleaded, and the other obliged, still silent. Eddie was starting to worry he went too far, but Richie suddenly spoke.  
"Fuck. I... I missed you Eds" he whispered, and Eddie had to look away, a weird feeling in his stomach.  
"Yeah, me too" ”

Eddie was sitting in the crowd, staring at his friend who was coming on stage. He was shocked, a lot of thoughts in his head and he didn't know how Richie actually managed to work right now. An absolute hero, that's what he was. How could he even forget who Richie was? Unbelievable.  
He knew the show was going to be a rerun so he probably already knew the lines and he could focus on what he just remembered about his past.  
Now he could totally explain himself why he flew for six straight hours to get to California just to see the show. Richie's been his best friend for years. He smiled at the thought. He used to be so attached to that dork... he always had fell under Richie's charm, since they were kids. He could have lead him anywhere with the snap of his finger. _"Or with a smile behind a camera" _he thought.  
But there was something else, something dark and wrong about coming back to Derry, something scary he just couldn't remember and it was starting to terrify him. He had to ask Richie about it later. Maybe he remembered.  
He tried not to think about all the people who had sit in his chiar in the past. He didn't touch the armrests, arms down on his legs. He was feeling a bit out of place but also more at peace he could remember ever being. _"Richie Tozier's effect ladies and gentlemen, plain and simple"_ he thought.  
Now that he knew he understood a lot of things. He had even eaten hamburger for dinner, something Myra would have yelled at him for but he did anyway. Richie's influence had always inspired him to be brave and get out of his comfort zone.  
The crowd was silently waiting for Richie to say something. Eddie had the impression he was looking directly at him, but maybe everyone was having the same feeling. It was his job, to be on stage and make everyone feel involved. Theater tricks.  
"My wife just caught me jerking off over her best friend's Facebook profile. She didn't appreciate that a lot and she..." he looked uncomfortable, Eddie frowned his brows and looked at him with concern.  
"I'm Richie Trashmout Tozier and..."  
Someone in the crowd started complaining and Eddie felt the urge to kill them. Richie was silent and still, left wordless, and after a few second he turned his back and left. The people raised their voices, "Fuck!" Eddie whispered and stood up. "Maybe he's wasted. I heard someone saw him throw up in a litter bin this morning" someone said, and Eddie decided to follow him on backstage, otherwise he would probably start slapping people in the face. He didn't know if he was allowed to but he had to try. He walked past the complaining crowd and made it to the guards, who let him in, recognizing him from before.  
He was feeling a bit nervous, he didn't know what to expect, maybe Richie wanted to be left alone, and the backstage was a bit dirty and a whole lot confusing. Discomfort flowed through his veins as he looked for the dressing room Richie was supposed to be in. He reached it and heard muffled voices coming from inside. He knocked shyly, asking "Are you okay Rich? It's me. It's Eddie, I mean" but it wasn't Richie who opened the door. It was this little angry man he supposed he was his agent, who nearly smashed the door right on his nose. He stepped back, eyes wide open.  
"What the hell are you doing here?" he snapped "I know what you are, I clearly asked Richie to not..."  
"Sir, I don't know what you're tal..."  
"You're fired" they heard a voice coming from the back of the room. Richie was sitting on a chair, holding his temples, eyes closed.  
"What?" the man asked, he looked shocked.  
"Oh, you're so fucking fired" he kept saying, then he stood up and walked towards Eddie, grabbing his arm. "Let's get the hell out of here, Eds" said and started running leading him away.  
"What? And what about the show?" he asked, struggling to run after him, his arm Richie was holding firmly started to hurt, but he didn't tell it out loud.  
Richie turned to face him while running, glasses not so still up on his nose, face flushed. Eddie smiled. He felt thirteen years old again, when they used to throw rocks to Hocksetter's window and then run as fast as they could, together. Richie was looking the same, only his limbs have got taller, his forehead bigger and his eyes more tired, but they still got that sparkle in them that made Eddie laugh.  
"If you're disappointed it lasted only a line I'll give you a refund!" he joked, pushing him out and running down the stairs.  
"It's dangerous to run on the stairs, you know. A lot of domestic accidents actually happen like this" he said, but he didn't stop.  
"You didn't change a bit" Richie snorted, "don't worry Spaghetti, I won't let you fall and break whatever bone you're afraid of losing"  
As soon as they arrived in the parking lot Eddie saw him taking the keys and push a button. A shiny new black Audi clicked open and Richie jumped inside.  
"Come on Eds, they're chasing us!"  
Eddie considered his remaining options for a moment, but when he started hearing voices approching them he opened the car door and got inside. Richie immediately started racing.  
"Wait, I don't even have my seatbelt!" he screamed, and instead of stopping the car, Richie started laughing.  
"You okay Eds? Did you put yourself together?" he asked after a few seconds, and Eddie grunted.  
"You know I hate when you call me that, asshole" he replied, but he knew it was a lie. The silly nicknames were like a secret identity for him, he loved them. _Eddie Kaspbrak _was ill, shy and weak. _Eds,_ on the other way round, was playful, smart, and sometimes even as brave as throwing rocks at bullies to protect the people he cared about.  
"By the way no, I'm far from being okay. I'm about to have an asthma attack, we nearly fell down the stairs and I'm tachycardic, I'm not supposed to run like that, I feel like I'm gonna pass out" he gasped, looking feverishly for his inhaler.  
"How come I forgot you? I just can't believe it!" he heard him say.  
"Well, I wish I didn't remember you at all, you're a dick!"  
"That's a blatant lie and you know it, Spaghetti" he replied, and Eddie shot him with a sceptical look, but he couldn't stop himself from smirking. He suddenly felt sick and began rushing in his fanny pack.  
"Where's... where's my antiemetic? I must have left it in my hotel room. I'll have to give you the address"  
Richie slowed down in traffic. "Hotel room? What are you talking about?"  
"The hotel where I'm spending the night, you dumbass. There's my medicine luggage in there.  
"You do have a luggage only for your medicines? Err, I mean, hotel? What do you mean? You're staying at my place tonight"  
Eddie blinked in surprise. "What? Why would I spend the night at your place if I already paid for my hotel room?"  
"Come oooon, Eds! It's been more than twenty years! You didn't believe I would have let you go that easily, didn't you? Secondly, tomorrow morning we'll both have to leave to Derry so it's just common sense to leave togheter, don't you think?"  
Eddie felt a wave of pure fear growing inside him. "You... do you really want to go back there?"  
"Well we did promise, after all"  
"Yes, but what exactly did we promise, Richie? It could be something horrible!"  
"Why would Mikey call us to do something horrible?"  
Eddie sighed. Why it was always so hard with him? He drove him crazy.  
"Because we promised! It's not that hard, Richie!" he said hysterically, then he froze. Richie was staring and he was so scared he went too far he forgot to tell at him to look at the road while driving.  
"I'm sor..." he stopped mid sentence because the other man had bursted into a really loud laugh and he couldn't stop.  
"Oh my God you're as annoying as you was when we were twelve!"  
"I'm not annoying at all! I'm quite nice actually!"  
"Nice is not the word I would use, Eds!"  
"Well, fuck you!" he laughed. "We still have to go to the hotel, by the way. I left all my stuff in there. My clothes, my medicines, my bedsheets..."  
"Your _bedsheets? _I want to hear why you did bring your fucking bedsheets, please"  
He looked out of the car window, slightly embarrassed. He knew he was going to have fun of him, but he also knew it wouldn't be a mean laugh. It was gonna be more laughing _with_ him than laughing _at_ him. And it would have been better to be laughed at than to be pitied anyway. Richie always acted like they were equals, since childhood, that's why Eddie always liked him and always had a soft spot for him above all losers.  
He remembered he used to buy things only for him and Richie, food mostly, like ice creams and bags of chips, for the two of them and no one else. The others always found it a bit weird but they didn't talk about it, neither Richie and Eddie did. It was just their thing, after all.  
"I'm allergic to dust", he blurted out. "I always carry my hypoallergenic cotton bedsheets" he laughed, knowing it was ridiculous.  
Richie snorted out loud. "You're so fucked up, mate"  
He unlocked his phone to look for the address and saw twenty two missed called from Myra. He let out a cry and closed his eyes, his legs weak. The adrenaline of the run, the exciting feeling he had for what he remembered, the chill he felt with his newly found best friend just vanished in a moment. The idea of calling Myra was scaring him more than coming back to Derry. He didn't know what Derry would have had for him, he hardly remembered there was something wrong with it. But Myra? It was a whole other story. He knew she would be yelling, screaming, trying to manipulate him into coming back and he just wasn't ready.  
"I'm gonna pass out" he whispered softly, but Richie heard it anyway.  
"What's wrong?" he heard the man ask. Eddie still had his eyes shut but he heard the worried tone in his voice.  
"I just want her to disappear. To stop existing. I can't handle this, I can't" he said with a broken voice, feeling like shit because that's not something anyone should be saying about their wife. It was just cruel.  
"You got this Eds. I'm sure you'll make up soon. No problem" his voice was soft and something else Eddie wasn't able to decipher.  
"You don't understand. Do you remember my mother?"  
"Yes" he replied, he sounded serious. "I fucked her last night"  
Eddie snapped his eyes open, caught totally off guard. "Beep _fucking_ beep!"  
"You keep falling for it every time I just can't stop, I'm sorry!" he laughed.  
"I'm trying to tell you something serious and you keep making mum jokes, why do I even talk to you?"  
"Because you love me, Eds!"  
"Don't you dare call me that!"  
Richie cleared his throat. "Sorry. Yes. I remember your mother, no joking. What were you saying?"  
Eddie sighed heavily. "She's exactly like her. Like my mom"  
"You mean she's..." he floated his cheeks, smirking.  
"If you make another joke I swear to God I'm quitting! But yes. Yes, she's big, I'm not going to deny it. She's big just like her and they kinda look alike. Oh God, I married my mother"  
He heard silence coming from the man next to him so he sighed.  
"I know you want to say it, just do it" he finally said. Richie didn't disappoint him.  
"You married your mom? How could she? I thought we were really in love with eachother!" he blurted out.  
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Truly" he said, then shut his eyes again. "But their similar looks are not the problem, you know. The problem is she makes me feel the same way. Useless. I always feel useless and scared. She keeps telling me I can't do things everyone does, and that I'm gonna die young and leave her alone. The worst thing is most of the time I believe her. I'm terrified, I..." he stopped to look at him. Richie was holding the steering wheel like it was the only thing keeping him grounded, he had white knuckles because his hold was too firm and looked way too serious. He was looking blankly at the road while driving. "I'm sorry. I must be boring you. We just met after all this years and I didn't stop complaining since. And you just left your show and fired your agent and must be feeling shitty and all I do is talk about myself. I'm real shit, sorry, maybe she's right, I really am useless, right? Shit. I did it again. Sorry, I just..."  
"Hey hey hey stop! Jeez, Eds! First of all _I _asked what was wrong, if I didn't want to hear it I wouldn't have asked. Second I don't give a shit about the show nor about my agent, he's a dick. Third, you really are braver than you think. And if that cow of a wife you have is not gonna tell you, I'll do it until it finally enters your dumb head. You're brave. You got this. I swear. You're not useless at all and don't you dare say it again or I'm gonna get real mad"  
"Thanks, Rich. I really needed to hear that" he whispered, he felt like he was going to cry.  
"Anytime, Eds"

The words Richie just said were the nicest words ever addressed to him. He had to return the favour. And he just started to realise he had missed Richie a lot during these years, he just didn't know he was. He wanted to know everything about the man sitting in the car with him.  
"What about you? You said your agent was a dick. Did something happen? If you wanna tell me"  
Richie sighed. He looked uncertain about what to say, eyes never leaving the road.  
"You know, I think our lives were more similar than what you may think" he started, waiting for an answer that didn't come. Eddie's lips formed a straight line and he was listening with shiny eyes, despite how much he talked, he was always the best at listening. Richie sighed again, he looked like he was carefully picking the words to say.  
"It's hard to be in the spotlight, really fucking hard. You have to be careful every time about what you say, what you do, even who you're... _talking_ to. It's infuriating. At a certain point you don't know who you are anymore, you certainly can't be yourself so you must be someone else. I had to give up things I wanted, to kill things I felt, just because they weren't appropriate and Lance, my agent, he was all for it. At first I thought he was only trying to protect me but I realised he was having fun watching me drown like that, he liked it, he actually loved telling me what I couldn't do. He manipulated me, I think. He didn't even let me write my own jokes, he thinks I'm not funny actually, he told me that"  
Eddie was seeing red. This really hit him on a spiritual level. He yelled "What?? Exscuse me, just what? You're Richie Tozier, you're not funny, you're hilarious! Do you remember when we were in seventh grade and you made the impression of that Eliza from english class? I never laughed harder in my life, I swear! Yesterday I didn't remember it and I thought I hated to laugh, but you know what? I'm just picky! I love to laugh it's just that I didn't remember you and there's no one who can make me laugh like you. You know what? You... you know what? I'm not even done! The jokes they write for you really suck, they do! People laugh because it's you who's telling them, because _you _are actually funny, unlike that pricks!" he noticed Richie was staring and he hold his seatbelt, scared. "Eyes... eyes to the road, Rich!" he pleaded, and the other obliged, still silent. Eddie was starting to worry he went too far, but Richie suddenly spoke.  
"Fuck. I... I missed you Eds" he whispered, and Eddie had to look away, a weird feeling in his stomach.  
"Yeah, me too"  
The car stopped and Eddie blinked in confusion. "Here we are" Richie said, and he noticed they were in the parking lot of the hotel.  
"Oh"  
"Do you want me to come upstairs? To help you with the luggage or something"  
"No, thanks" he replied, unfastened his seatbelt and went out of the car.  
"Spaghetti?"  
"Yeah?" he turned to see Richie who was looking at him.  
"Come back. Don't leave me in this parking lot all night like an idiot"  
"Of course I'm coming back" he said, asking himself why the other felt the urge to say it. He closed the car door and walked inside.

He was in the elevator when he started to process what happened. In a few seconds he had remembered fifteen years of his life that he had completely removed until the day before. It was crazy.  
A few days prior he had read Richie Tozier's Wikipedia page and still he had no clue about who he was. Richie Tozier, his best friend, his... it was weird. Too weird. There was something wrong, and he knew it. Something wrong with Derry, something wrong with his memories, something wrong with them.  
When he was in his room, he started cautiously to pack his bedsheets, then his clothes, finally his shoes. They were a bit old and ruined, maybe Richie could lend him a pair of his. He went to the bathroom and took his medicines. He really wished to throw them in the sink, deep down he knew he didn't need them, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just couldn't. He packed them in the second bag he owned and walked out, a bit relieved.  
When he was in the elevator again, he had made a decision: he would call his wife.  
"Mr. Kaspbrak? Are you leaving?"  
The receptionist asked, as he approached to have his passport back.  
"Yes"  
"We don't do refunds, you know"  
"Yes, I know. I don't care. Goodbye"  
He replied, walking outside in the cool night air. Speaking of air, he was nearly choking. He struggled to breath but he was holding the bags with both hands and couldn't reach for his aspirator. He started to see red sparkles dancing in front of him and dropped them, nearly fainting, legs weak.  
"The fuck" he heard, followed by the slum of a car door. He triggered his inhaler and felt a comforting hand on his back.  
"Are you okay?"  
"I'm calling her. I'm calling her Rich" he squeaked.  
"It's okay. You got this, I told you" the other replied, taking the bags and putting them in the back of the car.  
"Do you want me to put her on speaker?" Eddie asked shyly, when they got back in the car.  
Richie shook his head. "No please, I don't know what I may say to her if you do" he said, it didn't seem like a joke to his hears.  
"Okay. You got this, Eddie" he whispered to himself, and he dialed her number while the car started to move.

_Hello? Eddie bear, is that you? Are you alive?_

"Yes Myra, I am alive, unfortunately" he saw Richie mouth "what the hell?" but he ignored him. She started to scream.

_Where are you? How are you? What are you doing? How could you do this to me, Eddie? Do you know I called the police in eleven different districts today? I made them spread pictures of you everywhere!_

"You made the police spread pictures of me Myra? After one day? Seriously? Oh my God" he saw Richie with his mouth open and he gestured to keep his eyes on the road.

_What did you expect me doing, Eddie? Don't you love me? Why did you run away? I thought you were gone for good! Don't you love me, Eddie bear?_

She was ugly sobbing, and screaming like hell. He felt guilty and his migrain became to grow, too. His breath fastened. He was sorry. Truly sorry and she sounded so desperate... she became to howl like crazy and he had to move the phone a few inches away from his ear. "Stop screaming, my head is aching like hell, seriously" he snapped.

_"It's because of what the doctor have said, huh? He told you you're gonna die and you were scared so you left. That mole was skin cancer, right? I knew it! Come back sweetie I can help you through this"_

He was still sorry but furious, too. She kept treating him like a fragile doll he couldn't stand it anymore. "I have no cancer, Myra. The only thing that's gonna kill me is you. You're killing me, why don't you see it? That's what you're doing!" he was struggling to breath again and helped himself to with his inhaler.  
"Give it to me. I'll talk to her, give it to me" Richie said, his hand moving close to take the phone.  
"No you can't talk to her, you're driving! You're gonna crash the car! Look at the road and keep focused for God's sake!" he froze and quickly added "sorry. I didn't mean to sound mad"

_Who's there? Are you with someone? Is there a slutty bitch with you? That's why you left? You're disgusting, Eddie. I knew you would have left me one day._

This words clicked something in his mind. _I knew you would have left me. _He saw his mother tied up in a bed, begging him to free her. He saw her yell it to him while he was walking away, terrified. _I knew you would have left me._  
He screamed in horror and threw the phone out of the car window, another car smashed it three seconds later.  
"Holy fuck!" Richie shouted, eyes wide. "Well, at least you got rid of her. How are you feeling?"  
He was confused, nauseous and had a really bad headache.  
"Like shit. And I feel like we shouldn't go back to Derry tomorrow"  
"Are you saying this because you want to go back to her?" he asked back, he sounded almost scared.  
"I wouldn't go back to her for anything in the world, believe me. It's just that there's something wrong with all this"  
"If something really will turn wrong we'll leave. Trust me"  
Eddie nodded and suddenly bursted into tears.  
"Sorry. I'm ridiculous. I've had a rough day"  
"Don't worry, everybody cries. Especially after a breakup, if that's what it was"  
"Have you ever had a bad breakeup?" Eddie asked, trying to change subject and feel better.  
"Nah, me and you're mother are too happy for this kind of drama"  
Eddie smiled, still crying but without the sobs.  
"You really are dumb like when we were kids, aren't you?"  
"That's why you love me, Eds"  
It was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always a good day when you finally get rid of your abusive wife and decide to spend the night at your best friend's place, isn't it?  
What will come next?  
Could I suggest a lot of alcohol, a really bad nightmare and sharing a bed, maybe?


	4. But he knew well enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night togheter after twenty five years, what could possibly go wrong?
> 
> "Stop screaming like that!" he shouted and Richie feared he would have woken up the whole building. "Stop screaming and don't you dare! Don't you dare manipulate me like that!"  
Richie winked in confusion, he really wanted to hear what the woman was saying. Eddie froze and then looked at Richie right in the eyes. He shot him an unreadable glare and said to her "Yes. Yes. A lot better than you, actually. You can't even imagine"

_"Just quit with your bullshit Richie, he's married for __fuck's__ safe! Married with a woman" _he thought, both stepping into the elevator.  
"Holy shit Rich, is this your place? It's wonderful!"  
The unexpected compliment made him smile. "Your mum likes it too, sometimes I'm scared she's with me only because of my money, it's so sad"  
"Beep beep Richie!" Eddie shouted, but then bursted into laugh. "But seriously, I wonder how many girls you brought in there. You really are catch, aren't you?"  
_"Chill Richie, he's only joking. He's your straight married - to - a - woman best friend he could not possibly think you are a catch"_  
"You have no idea how many, Eds" he replied and winked.  
_"A wink? Seriously? Are you a Grease character? What's wrong with you?"_  
When they reached the apartment door he thanked God that day was the cleaning day. The company had left the whole apartment shinier than ever, and it smelled good. There were no dirty clothes on the floor nor dirty dishes in the sink. It was perfect.  
"Wow, who'd have imagined Richie Tozier would be so tidy?"  
He smirked. "Well Eds, everybody grows up. Except you, of course. What are you, like 5'2"?"  
"I'm 5'6" you asshole, it's the average male height in most of the countries, you know"  
Richie rolled his eyes up. "I heard that the order of the house usually mirrors the mental order of who owns it" he mumbled.  
Eddie shook his head "Surely not my case, or I would live in a fucking dump, I think"  
"You _think_? Freud should have written a book about your problems, Spaghetti"  
"Very funny, Rich"  
"Well, I mean, seriously. They really did you dirty, didn't they?"  
The other looked at him and he didn't reply at first. When Richie was going to say sorry he sighed. "You're right", he sounded sad.  
They were both left speechless for a few seconds, then Richie grabbed the other's bags and lead him inside.  
"Come on in, I'll show you where you're going to sleep.

They walked down the corridor and Richie hoped he wasn't looking around too much. Most of the things he owned were expensive and maybe nice, but they made no sense one close to the other. The house did not have a style, he just collected what he thought was "cool" and put it around. The result was a chaotic mess with pretty elements that just didn't fit with one another.  
"The house, well, it suits you" he heard him murmur between his lips.  
"Are you trying to tell me I'm messed up, Eds?"  
"No! Well, you _are _messed up indeed, but I like it here. It's nice"  
He felt his muscles tense all at once and he couldn't stop himself from saying "So that's a way to tell you think I'm nice, thanks Spaghetti!"  
_"Do you even listen to yourself when you talk? You're lucky he thinks you're an asshole or he could take you seriously for once"_  
"What? That's not what I said, not at all!" he squeaked, but more than annoyed he sounded like he was caught off guard.  
"You don't have to be embarrassed, I know I'm a legit snack. Aaand here we are!" he said, opening the door with his shoulder.  
His bedroom was more beautiful than it had ever been and he silently thanked the cleaning company for that. The big glass window that covered the whole left wall was shiny, the king size bed was on point, the floor was tidy and clean, and no clothes were to be seen on the floor.  
They could see the hills, the stunning skyline of the city, the moon, big and bright, and the traffic slowly flowing away. The palms were shaking because of the wind, and Eddie walked slowly to the glass wall, staring at the view with a shocked and half amused look on his face.  
"Is this your bedroom? Really?"  
"I know I told you you were gonna sleep here but I'll be on the couch, don't worry. I'm your stepfather after all and I'm not into incest at all"  
"You're fucking disgusting" he whispered, but he kept looking outside. Richie thought he could just let him sleep here and keep sleeping on the couch for the rest of his life to make his eyes glow like that every day, he wouldn't complain. Even if it was far from what he really wanted.  
_"Don't you dare start even thinking what you are thinking Richie, you can't just fall for him like that again, last time was enough" _he thought but he knew it was too late. He had fallen for his best friend. Again. Probably it wasn't even like that and the feeling never ceased to exist, he just forgot it was there but it was.  
_"Fuck" _  
"Wouldn't it be better if _I_ sleep on the couch? It's _your _bedroom after all"  
"Don't be silly Eds, how could you use your hypoallergenic sheets on a fucking couch?"  
"It's not like I'll use them anyway. The bed it's too big"  
"Too big huh? That's what your mum used to tell me all the time! How romantic!"  
"It's not funny at all, _Richie_"  
"If so why are you laughing, _Eddie_?"  
"I'm not..." he stopped mid sentence as he started to giggle. "And I used to think I hated laughing!"  
"There mustn't be a lot of funny people in New York city I suppose"  
"There definitely aren't"  
"Anyway, just make yourself comfortable and go to sleep. I'll set the alarm at 7.30, you better do the same. We're leaving tomorrow morning"  
"You sure you'll be comfortable on the couch?"  
"I am. Good night, Eds"  
"Good night, and don't call me Eds. Thanks for, you know, everything"  
"My pleasure" he replied, and closed the door shut. He leaned to the wall, heavy breathing.  
_"My pleasure? Can you make it any more obvious?" _he asked himself, and waited a few minutes to calm down.  
"I need to wash my face" he said, then a thought hit him.  
_"Maybe he needs to take a shower. Maybe I should tell him he can. Maybe I should give him a towel" _the thought of the man actually showering a few rooms apart nearly gave him an heart attack.  
_"Okay, now _I _need a shower. A cold one. Right now. God, I'm so not used to this"._

When he was finally clean and cooled down, he let himself fall on the couch, he would have given anything for a good joint.  
He kept looking at the ceiling, feeling blank. He still had his phone set on flight mode since the show he didn't finish and he still didn't want to switch the data on. He knew what to expect coming the next day. Hundreds of calls from his agency, his lawyer, _their_ lawyers, ABC, thousands of instagram texts of his fan complaining because they didn't have a refund, journalists, some almost friends sending him the link of the articles that surely were already on the internet. He pictured them in his mind.

_Richie Tozier: back to the drug world?_  
_Stand up comedian Richie Tozier leaves the stage after less than five minutes on air. This morning he was seen being sick in a litter bin downtown. Rumors close to him say..._

He sighed. No need to think about it now, he would have found everything the next morning anyway. He would have to face it alone, now that he didn't have an agent anymore. Not that he regretted firing him, the man was an asshole, he ruined his life and, worst of all, he yelled at Eddie's face in front of him, very brave of his considering that was the best way to make Richie Tozier furious.  
He quickly fell asleep.

_He was in the dressing room again, he could hear the crowd complaining and cursing him from where he sit._  
_"__What the hell are you doing here? I know what you are, I told Richie..." he heard Lance shouting near the door, but he couldn't see who he was shouting to._  
_"Sir, I don't know what you're talking about"_  
_Eddie. Eddie, fuck, Eddie, he's gonna tell him. He thinks he's some sort of boyfriend of mine, he's gonna tell him, I can't let that happen._  
_He tried to tell him he was fired to distract him, to make him go away like he did that evening but his lips were glued and he couldn't move._  
_"So you don't know what I'm talking about, huh? You're not one of those fags"_  
_Shut up son of a bitch, shut up you absolute dick, don't you dare, don't even... he was terrified, he was frozen still, eyes wide, looking at them unable to speak for himself._  
_"One of those fags? You mean Richie's..."_  
_Eddie's face looked full of sorrow, discomfort, disgust and maybe guilt. _  
_It wasn't supposed to go like this. Please, it wasn't supposed to go like this._  
_"I didn't know. If I'd known I wouldn't have come"__ Eddie said, blankly._  
_Lance turned to face Richie __and smiled._  
_"Do you want to play truth or dare, Richie?" _  
_He had a long line of sharp teeth Richie felt he already knew. It was an horrific smile, it stank and when he opened his mouth he saw three dancing lights that were making him crazy. They were dancing, dancing, dancing..._  
_Suddenly he felt dirty, sad and more scared than he had ever felt. There was a kid crying in front of him. He looked like young Eddie, he was young Eddie, now that he remembered he would have recognised him everywhere. They were both screaming and Eddie was crying, Richie felt someone, it could be Bev or maybe Ben pulling his shirt to make him go away, but he couldn't. Eddie couldn't stand up so Richie couldn't leave. And Bill wasn't going to move either, he knew it._  
_"Richie! Richie let's go! Richie, come!" _  
_He felt like his shirt was about to rip in half but he didn't care. It (but what was It?) was gonna take Eddie and he couldn't let it happen, he couldn't and wouldn't._  
_He finally heard himself screaming, and focused on what he was doing. He was holding Eddie's face, cupping his cheeks to make his face turn and look at him. He didn't know what they were facing, he was still focused on Eddie and didn't have a look, he only knew the boy mustn't look at It._  
_"Look at me! Look at me, Eds! Please, look at me!"_  
_"Don't touch me! Don't you fucking touch me!"_  
_There was a moment of silence, then he heard a voice. The most terrifying voice he ever heard. It was high, and dirty and somehow dark. It was pure evil._  
_"Yes, don't touch the other boys, Richie. Don't touch them, or they'll know your secret"_  
_That's when he turned his head for the first time to face It. That's when he saw It. It felt like dying._  
_The clown._

"No!" he screamed at the top of his lungs and opened his eyes. There he was, lying on his couch, in his home, apparently safe and sound. That was until he saw a shadow towering him, a shadow blocking his sight of the window. He screamed again and fell out of the couch, struggling to breath.  
"It's me! It's just me, mate! You're safe" he heard a familiar voice saying, then his glasses were up his nose.  
"Here, take them, you fucking blind thing. See? Just me" his eyes adjusted in a moment and he saw Eddie looking at him, he was clearly concerned.  
"It's okay, you're safe mate"  
"What... what the hell Eds? You scared the shit out of me! Were you fucking looking at me while I slept like fucking Snowhite? Help me... help me stand up, please" the other man's hands held his own and helped him stand without struggling. Richie had the time to think he was stronger than he seemed.  
"I heard you calling me in your sleep. I'm a light sleeper" the man explained, inspecting his arm to check if he was dumb enough to hurt himself falling from the couch.  
"I think I just had a nightmare" Richie said, his heart missing a beat when he felt Eddie's hands in his hair, looking for a bruise in his head.  
"Yes, you probably did" he muttered, then removed his hands from him. Richie felt a stab of disappointment.  
"I think you're okay. I'll made some chamomile for you and then you're gonna sleep on the bed. I knew it was a bad idea from the start, you sleeping on the couch. You'll have to drive tomorrow, it's not safe to drive sleep deprived"  
"Do you want... do you want a glass of something? Cognac, perhaps?"  
Richie asked and God, he needed it. He needed it for the nightmare he didn't even remember anymore, he needed it because the feeling of having Eddie taking care of him like when they were kids was killing him.  
"Cognac? It's three in the morning!"  
"Sounds like the perfect time to me"  
"I don't know, I take a lot of meds, it could be bad for my liver"  
"You're not gonna die for just one glass, Eds"  
They went silently to the kitchen, Richie noticed Eddie had a white cotton pyjamas, probably hypoallergenic. _"That's so __Eddish__" _he thought, shaking his head. He took a bottle from his alcohol dedicated fridge and two glasses, then they sit at the kitchen table, both tired and pale and scared. Richie filled both of the glasses with a sigh. Eddie was looking at his, he looked a little tempted for a moment and Richie smiled.

"Your dream, what was it about?" he asked, breaking the silence.  
"I don't remember. Something Derry related, I guess"  
"I don't want to go"  
"I know. But you will. We all will, I think"  
"Isn't it just weird that the day I came here for you", Richie took a long sip at that use of words, "Mike called? Isn't just weird I didn't remember you till today? Doesn't just feel everything wrong?"  
_"Not everything. Not you"_ he thought, but he didn't say it. he looked fondly at him while he was taking his first sip and coughing it off immediately. "Fuck, it sucks!"  
Richie had to force himself to stop staring.  
"Yes, it's weird. And wrong. And I didn't remember you even when you said your name this morning. Mike's call brought it all up, it's crazy" Richie sighed, and he finished his glass.  
"I didn't remember you even when I read your Wikipedia page and I found out you were from Derry. I only threw up" Eddie said.  
"Aw, you read my Wikipedia page, that's so cute of you, Eds!"  
The man didn't reply immediately, he just took another small sip. This time he didn't cough. After a few seconds he said "I did, you made me feel weird and I didn't know why"  
The chose of words again made Richie nearly choke on his newly poured drink, so he quickly changed the subject.  
"You're drinking pretty fast for this to be your first time"  
Eddie looked at his glass and smirked.  
"In for a penny, in for a pound, that's what they say!" he whispered and took another sip, his cheeks was starting to turn bright pink.  
_"This cannot end well"_ Richie thought again as he finished his second drink.

"You're drunk already, aren't you?" he asked, and watched the other man giggling, hand covering his mouth.  
"I'm... I'm so not! I'm fully in control right now"  
"I see" he laughs back.  
Two glasses after for him and five sips later for Eddie and they had their cheek flushed and kept laughing like children at every stupid joke.  
"You were right, I was really annoying as a child!" Eddie blurted out, giggles still escaping from his lips.  
"Don't be so hard on yourself Eds, I was only joking!"  
"No, no, I'm serious! I was a real pain in the ass! And you know what?" Richie didn't respond, too busy feeling amazed by looking at Eddie's red and puffy eyes. They probably became this shiny because of the tiredness, the teary laughs and alcohol. "You know what? I love it! I should... I should start doing it again. It's so... it's so good to tell someone to fuck off! Fuck off, Richie!" he snapped, slamming the hands on the table and making the glasses tingle. He was laughing convulsively.  
"Well, fuck _you_!" Richie said, feeling a bit tipsy himself.  
"I love it! I should... I should call Myra and tell her to fuck off"  
Richie tried to take things back under control. He was feeling all fuzzy but Eddie was his responsibility and didn't want the man to do something he would have regretted the morning after.  
"I don't think it's a good idea, Eds"  
Eddie rolled his eyes and snorted "come on Rich, don't play chicken!"  
"Play chicken? Play chicken? You little bastard wanted to drink chamomile and go to bed!"  
"But I didn't! Please please please! Just give me your house phone!"  
_"Those eyes, fuck, I would never be able to say no to those fucking eyes, may I be cursed" _Richie thought, he knew Eddie had already won. "You... you want to call her with my landline?"  
He shrugged his shoulders and whispered "I threw my phone from the window car, remember?"  
Richie sighed. "Fuck. Fuck it. Okay, I'll... I'll take it"  
He stood up. He knew this was a bad idea, really bad, but his mind felt numb, he was feeling weird and most of all he was happy, so deeply happy he thought he never felt before. Probably that's what it felt like having real friends who cared about you. So he picked up his house phone and handed it ho Eddie.  
The man struggled to remember his wife's number by heart, tongue out of his mouth in a deep focused expression and Richie felt his heart melt. He laughed a bit, the other too focused to notice, he laughed because once he'd decide to come out he could have everyone, he was famous, rich and maybe not charming but certainly funny at least. He could have had handsome young men that wished to gain the spotlight and needed an open door from him, a sexy fan of him that was already waiting for him and Richie didn't know it, or other stars looking for a partner in that hell of a city; but instead he had stuck his mind on his hypochondriac, ill, nervous, mean, straight, married - to - a - woman friend from childhood, it was crazy. It was perfect.  
"Ah! Gotcha!" Eddie grinned and looked at him, a winning smile on his lips. Richie nodded, giving him permission even if he knew he shouldn't (but how couldn't he?) and Eddie dialed the number.  
They waited near a minute and the man was going to give up, but then his face lit up.  
"Hello?"  
Richie wished to hear the other woman's voice just to make fun of her.  
"Yes, it's me, Eddie" he slurred. "I called to tell you to fuck off!" he laughed, then kept silent for a few seconds.  
"Yes, I'm drunk, sometimes you aren't that dumb, are you?" he giggled, and Richie snorted. "Don't get mad, I'm more happy today than I ever felt in fifteen years with you"  
Another few seconds passed.  
"Stop screaming like that!" he shouted and Richie feared he would have woken up the whole building. "Stop screaming and don't you dare! Don't you dare manipulate me like that!"  
Richie winked in confusion, he really wanted to hear what the woman was saying. Eddie froze and then looked at Richie right in the eyes. He shot him an unreadable glare and said to her "Yes. Yes. A lot better than you, actually. You can't even imagine"  
Eddie closed his eyes in pain and shouted again "Stop screaming, for fuck's sake! Stop! I'm not coming home, I'm in California, I couldn't even if I wanted to and I don't want to by the way. You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother"  
Richie started to hear muffled noises from the phone, she must have started screaming a lot louder.  
"No, it's me that tells fuck you here, Myra. So fuck you!" he yelled, and slammed the phone on the table. Richie was staring in shock, then coughed to clear his throat.  
"Well, at least you didn't throw it from the window like last one"  
"It's yours, I could never!" he answered and they both started laughing their lungs off.  
"I'm happy, fuck, I'm so happy!" Eddie managed to say while laughing so hard.  
"Well, si tu es feliz, mi es feliz" Richie said in his Pancho Villa voice. It was true.

Richie looked at the wall clock and saw it was quarter to four in the morning. The day after they would have to face a five hour flight and a six hour drive to Derry, not to mention jet lag and other shit.  
"Well playboy, time to sleep!" he said, and reached Eddie's sit at the table. He helped him stand up but the man clearly couldn't walk and fell on him, almost making them rumble on the floor. Richie held his waist and brought him close, not letting him fall. He suddenly felt a rising heat waving him.  
"Sorry. I fell" he giggled.  
"I see" he coughed, trying not to sound too embarrassed. They stood like that for a moment, leaving would have meant letting him fall down and, to be honest, he was enjoying the moment.  
Richie looked at his friend and saw he was staring.  
"Rich, I have to tell you something"  
Richie tensed. He dared to hope what he was going to say, only for a moment.  
"Tell me" he whispered, breathless.  
"I fucked your mom!" Eddie snorted and Richie sighed heavily. He tried not to look too disappointed but his heart was aching as he looked away.  
"You're an asshole, Spaghetti head" he said jokingly and was starting to let go but froze when felt a hand caressing his cheek. He looked down again and saw his face was only a few inches away.  
"When we were children you used to say I was cute"  
"Yeah, I did"  
"I think _you'_re cute"  
The words made him shiver a little under the touch.  
"You're drunk, you're- you're not..."  
"No, it's true. You are. I'm glad I came here" he whispered, then he started giggling again. Richie tried not to heavy breath but he wasn't succeeding. Eddie finally stopped caressing his cheek and looked at him.  
"Can you walk?" Richie asked, and the other nodded. He carefully let go and miraculously nobody fell to the floor. Eddie struggled walking but in a few minutes they were successfully in the bedroom.  
Richie helped him lie down, then started to walk away.  
"Where are you going?"  
"Huh?" he turned down and saw Eddie frowning. "I'm going to sleep, Eds. It's late"  
"You'll sleep here, I already told you. You'll have to drive tomorrow, and you're gonna have nightmares back on the couch"  
"I'll sleep fine, I swear"  
"And what if I say I want you here?"  
Richie felt a pain in his chest. "You'd be lying, Eds"  
"Not at all"  
He didn't look like he was joking. Richie considered his possibilities. Probably the next day Eddie was going to regret asking him to sleep in the bed with him, and that would have sucked. But he was tipsy and tired and the request was just so appealing...  
"Okay" he murmured and slowly lied in bed. They weren't touching as the mattress was really huge. Richie was still, afraid to move and make him change his mind.  
"Are you mad at me?" Eddie asked softly.  
"No, I'm not! Why do you think so?"  
"You're acting weird tonight. Why?"

_"Why are you so weird? I'm not your boyfriend"_  
_"I... I..."_  
_"What's up? Are you bothering my little cousin, Tozier?"_  
_"You didn't warn me this town was full of fags"_

"I don't know" he answered. But he knew well enough.  
He felt a hand brushing against his, trying to held his fingers, so he took it. He stopped breathing for a moment and closed his eyes. He felt the hold tighten and Richie sighed helplessly. A few seconds later, Eddie was asleep, slightly snoring because of the alcohol.  
Richie enjoyed the moment for a few minutes, softly caressing the other's hand and looking out of the big glass window. He could see the moon up in the sky, the palms lightly waving because of the wind, the traffic lights on the street and he closed his eyes with a smile on his face. He squeezed the other's hand carefully, he didn't want to wake him up. Eddie squeezed back in his sleep.  
_"If I'll die here, I'd die happy" _he thought, and then he fell asleep.

It was seven in the morning when the alarm started ringing and Richie felt nauseous and with a bad head ache but he was still happy nonetheless. He turned on his back to look at Eddie but suddenly realised he wasn't there.  
_"Maybe he's in the bathroom" _he thought, but deep down he was worried. He put on his glasses and soon noticed that Eddie's bags weren't in the room anymore. He jumped off the bed in the blink of an eye.  
_"Fuck. Fuck, he's gone. Fuck. I knew it, I shouldn't have slept with him, I fucking knew it" _he thought, running out of the room. When he slammed open the living room's door, he froze, mouth open.  
"Goddamnit Richie, no need to be so loud! I have the worst migraine right now!" Eddie snapped and to him it was the most beautiful sound in the world.  
The man was sitting in the couch, an iPad in his hand, all dressed up and his luggage was perfectly stacked near the door.  
"What the... what the hell are you doing here?" he grinned.  
"Couldn't sleep, didn't want to wake you up. Took some meds and got ready to save time. That's all"  
Richie's grin widened "Do you want some breakfast?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie didn't left, thank God! It could have killed Richie if he did!  
Tomorrow we're leaving for Derry! The last two chapters are basically a road trip AU, I hope you'll like them!


	5. Welcome to the Losers' Club, assholes!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time to go to Derry, but danger is around the corner and it's going to be more difficult than it seems. Meanwhile, Eddie starts to question what he really feels.
> 
> "Richie's hair were spread everywhere, and his shirt was slightly up his chest, he could see his ribs. The sight was so endearing he wished to take his hand back, and the thought just scared him more. He never wanted to touch someone like this before, to take someone's hand in his, not Myra's, not any other woman's, not anyone's hand at all, actually.  
Or maybe he did?"

When Eddie finally woke up he was feeling different. He vaguely remembered speaking with Myra on the phone, but had no clue about what they actually said to eachother. When he saw he was in the same bed as Richie at first he had panicked.  
It wasn't because he was scared, more like because he was actually enjoying it. He had one of the worst migraines of his life, he felt badly nauseous, and despite all of that he was feeling good. Relaxed. At peace. Even if he knew he had barely slept for three hours he felt good.  
But not average good, not that feeling good with his head aching like that would be average, but _weird_ good. When - I - have - to - die - I - want - to - be - like - this kind of good.  
He felt weird thinking that they had just spent the night togheter, it was heartwarming and somehow comforting and that was scary. He didn't remember to have ever felt like this. He noticed he was staring, his friend was sleeping peacefully and lightly snoring. He tried to turn his back because it was getting weird, so very weird, and that's when he finally noticed their fingers where tangled and they were holding hands. The weight on his hand was feeling so natural, so _right _that he didn't even realised it was there until he wanted to turn away. He closed his eyes trying to calm down and slowly let go.  
_"What's wrong with me? I've never been like this!" _he thought and in the exact second he finally turned his back to him he realised he missed looking at his friend.  
_"It's not normal. I'm not normal" _he kept telling himself, while grabbing his inhaler and sucking a breath.  
He couldn't stop himself from turning again, looking at Richie's chest that was slowly moving with his breath. His eyes were closed shut and his face was peaceful, a small smile on his lips. His hair were spread everywhere, and his shirt was slightly up his chest, he could see his ribs. The sight was so endearing he wished to take his hand back, and the thought just scared him more. He never wanted to touch someone like this before, to take someone's hand in his, not Myra's, not any other woman's, not anyone's hand at all, actually.  
Or maybe he did?  
He remembered when he was young, chilling in the clubhouse with his friends. He remembered sneaking into the hammock where another boy was already lying there, craving for his touch. But who was him? Could it be Richie himself? Yes, it was him, he remembered the glasses, he thought. All the times he jumped in that hammock with him just because he wanted to feel close, so desperately close... and then it hit him.  
It couldn't be what he thought it was, it couldn't. Could it? Yes, it could. Because it explained everything. He forgot, and that explained everything.  
When he was young, he had no idea about what this feeling could possibly mean. Nobody ever explained to him as a kid that it was even possible. That it existed between men. He thought he was just being so fond of his friend, he just wished to be as close to him as possible, because he cared, and then he forgot about it and it didn't happen ever again. He couldn't know what he was because he didn't remember how he felt and he just didn't find another one good enough to make him feel the same.  
But now he was a grown man. He knew what homosexuality was, he knew it didn't give you AIDS, he knew this could just be... no, it couldn't be what he was thinking, he would have realised it sooner, would he?  
He would have realised this was the reason he never got to do with Myra something he was supposed to, and not some kind of illness he had at his lower half. He would have realised why he didn't even looked at pretty girls on the street, he didn't even care about the girls who had rarely showed to like him when he was younger.  
And yet, that was the only explanation, because what he used to feel in the clubhouse as a kid, he was still feeling it now. And he wasn't a little methodist child anymore, he was a man old enough to recognise attraction when he was feeling it. And he was.  
He stood up immediately and ran to the kitchen, heavy breathing. He didn't use his aspirator, this wasn't asthma, this was worse. So much worse. He was Eddie Kaspbrak, and he was gay. He was in love of his best friend. And all this years he didn't know because he just forgot about him and what he felt.  
_"I'm panicking. I need a shower. I have to cool down" _he thought, his migraine growing stronger and his stomachache hurting like hell. He was scared and confused, but there was a small part in him that knew that with this last piece of information about himself, he was finally whole.  
He showered, packed all his stuff, brought the luggage ready close to the door, bought the tickets for both of them with his iPad, and when Richie came running to the living room making a fucking mess and then grinning widely at the sight of him he asked to himself _"What have I done?"_

"Do you want some breakfast?" Richie asked, he was smiling and looked so happy Eddie for a moment forgot what an idiot he was being. He felt warmth in his stomach and smiled back.  
"I don't think you have something I could eat, actually"  
The other shrugged his shoulders. "Eggs, maybe?"  
Eddie furrowed his eyebrows. "Too fatty"  
"Milk?"  
"Lactose intolerant"  
"I think I must have soy milk somewhere in the fridge..."  
"Allergic to soy"  
"Well, at least drink a cup of coffee!"  
"Coffee in the morning burns your stomach, you know?"  
"When the hell are you supposed to drink coffee if not in the morning, Eds?"  
"Never, it's just poison!"  
Richie sighed, scratching his head. Eddie was feeling guilty, he really felt like a burden sometimes.  
"You know, I don't have to eat, I'm fine, don't worry"  
"Bullshit, there must be something I could give you, I know it! What about some tea?"  
Eddie's face lit up. "Tea would be perfect, thank you"  
"See? There's always a solution if you think hard enough"

When they were outside, heading to the airport, Eddie tried not to look so miserable. Richie had told him everything. He told him he insulted Myra, and yelled to her to fuck off. Not that he was going to come home, but the woman was somehow kind, caring at least, and she didn't deserve that. He even told him he asked to sleep together and that made him feel like shit. He apologized several times, even if Richie didn't seem to mind, it was just awful of him and the other man must have felt so embarrassed.  
_"What if he noticed something? What if he thinks I'm a freak?" _  
At least his meds were working and the headache was lighter, he was able to think properly.  
"Would you mind buying the tickets with your tablet? I'll give you the number of my credit card. I just... I just don't want to turn the data on already, I guess. Yesterday I left the show and probably everybody's already making a fuss over it" Richie asked while he was driving.  
"I'm sorry about your show. You'll have it sorted, I know this. And I already bought the tickets, you know. It's late, you're lucky I took care of it earlier"  
"You _what_?"  
"I bought the tickets"  
"For both of us? With your money?"  
"Well... yeah?"  
"And why so?"  
"Because it was late and I was afraid we weren't going to find any seat available, and I was right because I got the last two seats of the flight. I couldn't just wake you up and ask your credit card number, that would have been rude. Besides, you hosted me and it seemed just fair to buy your ticket, too"  
Richie bit his lips and then rolled his eyes up. "Okay, but I'm paying for your dinner tonight"  
Eddie froze still. "Dinner...?"  
"Yes, we've got dinner with our friends, remember? The reunion. Relax, it's not like I want a date or something" he joked, but the words only made Eddie feel worse.  
"Beep beep Richie!!" he squeaked in embarrassment. "Speaking about, well, this sort of things, I'm sorry I forced you to sleep with me tonight. You must have felt so uncomfortable"  
"You didn't forced me to, you asked me, it's different. And we're family, aren't we? I'm in love with your mother after all"  
"You know, this _you're my stepson_ thing is kinda getting creepy" Eddie said, and he truly meant that. The thought of him being some kind of dad was disturbing, even more disturbing after his newly found condition.  
"Speaking of mums and dads, how's Mrs K doing? I missed her a lot!"  
"How come _you_ ask _me_ where she is? Did you two had a fight? Trouble in paradise?"  
Richie shoot him with a serious glare "No kidding, Eds. How's she?"  
Eddie sighed. "Oh, well, she died a few years ago. Cancer"  
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny" he said, rolling his eyes up.  
"I mean it! She's dead!"  
"Please Eds, tell me your joking"  
"Why would I joke about my mum being dead? How is it supposed to be funny?"  
The car suddenly stopped, and the white Porches behind them honked, nearly hitting them.  
"Be careful!" Eddie shouted, bringing a hand to his chest, eyes wide and goosebumps on his skin.  
"Christ, Eds, when the hell were you planning to tell me? It's been twenty four hours that I'm making fun of your mother and you didn't mention she's... shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry but it's kinda your fault, I didn't know. I'm sorry"  
"I don't care. _Your mum _is more like a concept than actually my mother, isn't it? I don't care" he repeated, eyes on the road.  
"More like a concept, huh?" he snorted, "sorry if I laugh but you're so fucking crazy sometimes Eds"  
"Don't call me Eds!"

When they finally got to he airport Eddie was trying unsuccessfully to forget the feeling he discovered that morning, but he soon realised it was impossible, especially because said feeling was still there.  
They left their luggage at check in and Eddie started feeling a bit sick. His legs were weak, his stomach was a mess and his breath was fastening. His aspirator always in his hand, he didn't even pretend to put it back in his pocket anymore.  
When they were on the bus that was leading them to the plane he took Richie's hand and squeezed it.  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've motion sickness"  
"Don't you say?" Richie teased, a smirk on his face, but didn't let go.  
On the plane it obviously got worse. He started shivering, moaning in pain, he couldn't focus, he was sitting with the head resting on the front seat, when he felt a hand rubbing on his back.  
"You know plane is the safest transport, right? You're a risk analyst, you should know that"  
"I know" he moaned, "but it still does make me sick"  
Eddie tried to focus to hear the safety procedures, a stuart came near them to ask some informations about their needs during the flight.  
"Hello sirs, the flight will be five hours long and we'll serve you lunch. If you have special needs tell me now and we'll be glad to oblige"  
Eddie nervously bit his lip and started to list his intolerances and allergies.  
"... and I'm allergic to soy, strawberries, and if I eat a peanut I'm seriously gonna die" he finished after ten minutes talking. The poor man was staring in confusions.  
"Boiled rice with a spoon of olive oil?"  
"That would be fine, thanks"  
Richie, who had hands on his forehead, sighed heavily and said "I'm good, just bring me whatever you have to eat"  
The stuart looked relieved.  
"You seriously hadn't changed. The usual spoiled little annoying brat I've known" he chuckled, and Eddie rolled his eyes.  
"I'm not a spoiled little brat" he grunted. "And I'm taking antiemetics, I don't plan to be sick any time soon. I'll take some painkillers and other drugs that will let me sleep. Is that okay?"  
"No problem Eds, I'm good" he replied, and Eddie swallowed his Lexotan immediately falling asleep.  
He woke up only to eat something, founding himself with the head on Richie's shoulder. He finished his rice, head still fuzzy, and went to sleep again. He didn't want to be conscious while on the flight, it terrified him. Before falling asleep for the second time, he felt fingers caressing his hair. He thought he'd imagined it. He didn't.

"Good morning princess!" a loud voice made him jump awake, he opened his eyes and the second later the plane landed with a loud thud.  
"Don't. You. Ever. Do. That. Again." he groaned, holding the armpits like his life depended on it. Richie smirked.  
"Sorry, it's just too funny to scare the shit out of you!"  
Soon, with Eddie's great joy, they were with their feet on the ground and their luggage back in hand.  
Eddie was walking fast, showing the way to the other, he was used to that airport, being it close to his house  
"My car's not far. It's parked downstairs, I brought it here when I took the flight for L.A. two days ago" he muttered, they were nearly outside. When they turned around a corner for the billionth time, Eddie stopped breathing and turned his back, covering his face with both his hands.  
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" he whispered. One of the airport's big screens that usually showed arrivals timelines now had nothing but Eddie's face with the word MISSING on it.  
"Wow" he heard Richie mutter close to him "she wasn't joking when she said she called the police"  
Eddie was frozen, incapable to move, he had his eyes closed and struggled to breath.  
"Everybody is gonna notice me. They'll call the police, they'll bring me home. I could never make it to Derry in time, I could never... I don't want to go home" he whispered, he knew he sounded pathetic but he couldn't help it.  
"Okay. Okay, don't panic" Richie said, and Eddie felt a weight on his shoulders. The other had just covered him with his hoodie, pulling the hood over his head.  
"Don't turn around, I'm not done" he added, and Eddie heard him struggling to find something in his bag.  
"Here we go!" he finally said, and put a pair of sunglasses up his nose.  
"That should make it if nobody stares at your face" he finished.  
Eddie slowly opened his eyes, and soon found out his sight was blurry.  
"But... I can't see shit! You really are blind!"  
"Not my fault my sight is that bad, Eds! At least they cover that beautiful eyes of yours!"  
Eddie cleared his throat, hoping he wasn't blushing. "How am I supposed to walk if I can't see?"  
He felt a hand grabbing gently his right arm. "I'll lead you. Close your eyes and follow me"  
They started walking, slowly but without hesitation.  
"I'll fall down and break my teeth" Eddie grunted.  
"I would never let you fall, you know that"  
They kept going, Eddie didn't stumble once. They were silent and afraid. At some point, Eddie heard Richie say "It's full of policemen. I think they're here for you"  
"I don't want to go home" he pleaded, his eyes kept shut as the glasses made his vision useless.  
"And you won't Eds, trust me"  
Eddie explained where his car was supposed to be, and ten minutes later he heard Richie cursing between his lips.  
"Fuck. Tell me it's not a grey Volvo"  
"... yes, it is. Is it that bad?" he asked, and removed his glasses to see what was going on.  
His car was surrounded of men in a NYPD jacket, who were writing furiously and looking around.  
"Oh, shit"  
"Quick, put the glasses back on and turn on the spot! He's coming, he'll see you!" Richie worriedly whispered. A policeman was indeed coming towards their direction from the entrance they were coming from. Eddie's hands were shaking and the glasses fell on the floor.  
"Fuck!" the man wasn't far. It was dark down there, but he was coming close, and was looking at them. He would have seen him.

"Public signs of affection make people uncomfortable" Richie blurted out all of a sudden.  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
"He'd look away! I've seen it in a Marvel movie! Captain America the Winter Soldier, I'd recommend it" he started rambling, the man was closer now and Richie looked scared, and something unreadable, guilty maybe? A few seconds and the man would have seen him in the face. He was just a few steps away, looking at them. Eddie was frozen still.  
"I don't watch such bulls-" he started, but he was stopped mid sentence as Richie was grabbing is shirt, pulling him close and finally brushing their lips, kissing him. Eddie's mind went blank for a moment.  
_"What's happening, what's happening, what's happening, what what what" _but Richie was right and the policeman looked away, probably grossed out. He passed by without giving a second look.  
Eddie shut his eyes. He was starting to process what was going on and actually reacting to it when Richie pulled away, face pale, eyes wide.  
"I... I'm gonna go rent a car. Go hide behind that pillar. Put the glasses back on and don't talk to anyone. I'll come back soon to pick you up. Understand?"  
Eddie nodded, still breathless, his mind numb. He grabbed the glasses from the floor and ran behind a big ass car parked close to a huge pillar. He looked for his aspirator and breathed three times. It didn't work. He put the glasses up his nose and closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. He desperately sucked for air, his inhaler on one hand, the other hand holding his head.  
_"He kissed me. Fuck, he kissed me. And I was enjoying it" _he thought, cursing himself. He was shocked at first, but he surely started to enjoy it. That was bad. All of that was bad, and wrong.  
_"But what if it isn't? What if it's right instead?" _to be honest it didn't feel wrong at all. The only thing that actually was no doubts wrong was that Richie was only trying to help him and he was fantasizing about it.  
The only thing he wanted to focus right now was that it felt good. Pretty good actually, the moment it lasted. He held his inhaler tighter and tried to chill. Richie couldn't see him like this, or he'd understand. He had to look untouched by it at all, all Richie wanted was to help him after all, nothing more.  
Not that Eddie would have minded if he wanted something else.  
He regretted the thought immediately.  
He wished Richie was back. He needed to see him. He needed to see nothing had changed, or maybe everything had changed, he didn't know. He was a fucking mess.

He heard the sound of a car approaching him but he didn't open his eyes. He kept standing still, hoping nobody was gonna ask him what the hell was doing waiting in the parking lot like that. He heard a car door open and close immediately after.  
"I'm putting the bags on the car, go sit" the familiar voice made him open his eyes immediately. He took off the glasses and saw Richie who was throwing mindlessly the bags in the back of a red shiny car. He ran to the passenger door and jumped inside.  
"Discreet" commented, as Richie sit back on the car.  
"Shut up, I've a reputation to keep!"  
The car started running and Eddie yelped in surprise. They raced close to Eddie's car, the policemen staring as they passed past them, windows open. When they were next to them, Richie shouted "Welcome to the Losers' Club, assholes!" and bursted into an hysterical laugh.  
"Are you out of your mind?" Eddie yelled, and noticed the other was sweating, the hands holding weakly the steering wheel were shaking.  
"Are you okay Rich?"  
"I'm so fucking not" he replied, and bursted into laugh again.  
Eddie frowned but he didn't say anything. As they slowed down in traffic, Richie cleared his throat.  
"Listen, Eds, I have to say sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. What I did... it was wrong. It was... it was a mistake"  
_"It was wrong. It was a mistake"_ Eddie tough, then he shook his head.  
"Don't worry. You did what you did to help me, and it worked. You're doing a lot for me these days, I can't thank you enough, Richie. Really"  
The other sighed with relief.  
"Yes. Yes, it worked. It worked. I saw it in a movie, I told you"  
"It was the most reasonable thing to do. That's all"  
"Yeah, that's all" he said, and they went straight to North.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow this story is going to end!  
Will they sort out their own feelings and finally accept eachother's or is it going to be painful? You'll see!
> 
> Thank you for reading ~


	6. Dirty little secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Weren't we over mum jokes because I told you my mom died?"  
"Fuck, you're right!" Richie said, covering his mouth with his left hand. Eddie smiled and then puckered his lips and Richie made the biggest mistake of the day. He looked at them. And as soon as he did, he knew he was gonna make a mistake even bigger.  
A mistake he already knew it wasn't going to end well. A mistake he already made before. And he was going to do it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of the story, I hope you'll like it  
Thank you all for reading until the very end ~

_"What have I done? What the hell have I just done?"_  
That was everything Richie was capable to think about at the current moment. He realised the only reason they hadn't crashed the car yet was pure luck.  
He was forced to pull over, once they were out of the city. He couldn't drive straight for five hours in his condition, he would've gone insane.  
"May you... may you please drive for a few minutes? I've a terrible headache" he groaned. Eddie nodded and Richie saw him unfastening his belt and standing outside of the car, stretching his muscles. Once they switched seats, the man started looking for something in his blue fanny pack, the brown one that hosted his phone and key cars now rested useless in the back of the car with the rest of the luggage.  
He handed Richie two white pills, with a soft smile.  
"Painkillers. Try to sleep. I did it on the plane and I'm fine, but you must be tired as hell"  
Richie thought he should have declined the offer, but he took the pills and swallowed them anyway. "Thanks" he muttered, and closed his eyes, resting his back on the car seat.  
He tried to calm his breathing but he wasn't succeeding. He felt the need to cry but he couldn't, not in front of him like that. He'd made a real mess.  
He thought about how he found Eddie when he went pick him up with the car. Inhaler in one hand, his head on the other, clearly terrified. The only reason Eddie didn't tell him to fuck off already was that he was polite.  
Even if he wasn't so polite after all now that he was thinking about that, was he? And he always told him to fuck off before, he could have said it now as well....  
Richie kept his eyes shut and hoped the other thought he was sleeping. He didn't want to talk and thought Eddie didn't want to talk too, not with him.  
What he just did was the best and worst thing he ever did in all his life.  
The best because, well, that was a great excuse, it was perfect. And it worked! And for a moment the world had stopped spinning and his heart was beating so hard it was running out from his chest.  
But it was bad, so awfully bad too. Because that was an excuse, a good excuse but an excuse nonetheless. He used an excuse to kiss his straight married - to - a - woman best friend and let him think he was only trying to help while he was fantasizing about it. God, he was gross, and disgusting and he whished he wasn't a mess like this. _"I'm a fucking idiot" _he thought, and finally fell asleep.

When Richie finally woke up he was feeling better. His headache was nearly gone and he noticed the sun was getting lower towards the horizon.  
"What time is it?" he murmured stretching in his seat.  
"Half past six. We're halfway, I think"  
"Did I sleep for nearly three hours straight?"  
"Yes, and you were sleeping well, I guess. No nightmares this time" he smirked, glancing a look that made Richie's heart sink.  
_"He's not mad. He's not mad at me at all" _he thought, but instead of asking he decided to say  
"Do you want me to drive for a while? You must be tired"  
The other shook his head. "I love driving. I used to be a cab driver, when I moved to New York city"  
"Really? I don't think it suits you, actually" he stated. Risk analysis was the perfect job choice for Eddie, that and being a doctor or nurse. He couldn't picture him doing anything else.  
"Well driving is one of those few things I can actually do properly, I enjoy it" he shrugged his shoulders.  
"I bet there's a lot of things you're able to do properly, Eds" he let it slip between his lips and regretted it immediately after.  
"Not at all, trust me"  
"Well, even so, you're in good company then" Richie replied as he started tapping his fingers on the dash. The road was nearly empty and the car was running fast. He was looking out of the window, when suddenly he felt a weight on his hand and tensed.  
Eddie had just put his right hand over his, the other still on the steering wheel, probably mind absently to stop him from making that annoying tapping sound. It looked like the man noticed what he did immediately after and was going to pull away but Richie didn't let him, quickly entangling his fingers with his own, it didn't seem like Eddie minded. When he realised what he just did, Richie stopped breathing and focused only on the warm feeling on his hand and decided to gently squeeze it. When his friend squeezed back he had a hard time forcing himself to keep his eyes fixed out the car window. He thought his heart could have stopped beating at any given moment.  
_"What did just happen?" _he asked himself only to answer _"I don't know but I don't want it to stop" _a few seconds later. He tried to squeeze it a second time and got the same positive response. He breathed heavily, then cleared awkwardly his throat.  
"Well. What do you plan to do when it's over?" he asked, without letting go.  
Eddie didn't let go, either. "What do you mean?"  
"You told your wife you don't intend to go back to her. What are you going to do next? Unless you said it in a moment of rage and you changed your mind"  
Richie found himself hoping he didn't change his mind, though, even if he knew Eddie was straight and he couldn't have a chance anyway. The thought of him possibly coming back to her was unbearable, even if he knew it was selfish. He would have had no right to stop him in that case.  
"I don't know. I saved a whole lot of money, so I think I'll settle down somewhere else looking for a job. I am sick of New York city honestly. I was thinking about doing some paramedic training for a year if Myra won't need too much money after the divorce. She's unemployed, you know"  
"Divorce? Do you want to divorce?"  
"Well I don't want to come back home ever again so it wouldn't make sense to stay married, would it?"  
"I... I guess you're right" he answered, but he wanted to be sure. The thought was so good and made him so happy he wanted to assure himself this was real, so he pushed. "Isn't it a bit, hum, hasty? Your decision, I mean... you've been married for fifteen years! It's a lot of time"  
"Do you really think I'm making a mistake? Maybe I am. Do you think I should force myself some sense?"  
"I don't! I don't think it's a mistake, I never told you that, I don't think it is at all" he jumped, inadvertently giving a panicked squeeze to the hand.  
"Honestly Rich, you're confusing me"  
"I'm confusing you because I am confused myself. Maybe I just have to shut up. I'm sorry" he sighed, scratching his temple with his free hand. But the silence didn't last, because Richie talked again.  
"Why don't you stay at my place?" he asked, regretting it immediately after, because as always he didn't filter his thoughts at all. "Well, you don't have to if you don't want to. It's just... I've plenty of space, as you noticed. And I've plenty of money and not a single way to spend it, as I do nothing except of work, smoke and get wasted with wishkey occasionally. God, I sound such a loser. So you wouldn't have to take care of rent and food and you would attend your training for as long as you need even if your wife will ask for some money" there were a few moments of silence and Richie cleared his throat again. "Well, I said what I had to say, now that's on you"  
"I don't know, Rich. You do work a lot, and in your free time I'm sure you'd like to be alone and have some peace"  
"I've been alone so much I would rather be with someone else till I die"  
They exchanged a quick look. "If you put it like that..." Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, then sighed. "I think I'm okay with it"  
Richie smiled. "That's what best friends are for, after all"  
"You're right" he said, a small smile on his lips. "That's what best friends are for. I noticed you're quieter than usual today. Why? You already out of jokes?"  
Richie smirked. "You wish. I'm saving all of them for tonight, I'll be able to make fun of you in front of our friends"  
"You're insufferable, you know that, right?" he paused, tapping his free fingers on the steering wheel. "I wonder how they're doing. How weird is to think I forgot about them. I forgot about _you_"  
"I bet they're doing just fine. They're cool people"  
"Yeah, I wonder what happened, what's so important for Mike that he had to make us come back"  
"It will be some dumb teenage issue, what else could it be? Just an excuse to have a proper reunion, that's all"  
"I hope you're right, Rich" he whispered.

After nearly seventy miles they got stuck in a queue and Richie had to let go of Eddie's hand to make him use the gear shift. They stopped to get gas and Richie smoked a cigarette far away from Eddie to prevent passive smoking.  
After one hundred miles more, they finally were in Derry. Richie was looking intensely at the roads slowly passing in front of his eyes. Every time they turned, every time the view changed, it was like a punch on his stomach. They passed the Arcade on the left and he tensed. He felt a hand gently touching his knee and heard "I know. I feel like this, too"  
Derry was dark. The moon light was filtered by clouds and most of the city lights weren't working. The air was heavy and dense, it felt wrong. The car parked and as soon as Eddie didn't have to hold the steering wheel anymore he reached for his aspirator and inhaled deeply. The two men exchanged a look.  
"Let's go, Spaghetti" he grinned, trying to ease the tension. Memories had started flowing faster than before and visions of the past kept passing through his mind, and probably Eddie's too.  
"I didn't remember how this town was ugly as fuck" Richie said, getting into the motel.  
"Yes, it's always been ugly. It already was"

The receptionist asked for an advanced payment and they took a single room each. Richie noticed some of the rooms were already taken and guessed their friends had already arrived. Why would someone else go to Derry at the beginning of July? There was nothing there except of bigots and an heavy feeling of sorrow you couldn't get rid of. Not the best for tourists.  
"See you in five minutes Eds, we're late" Richie said as he entered his room. As soon as he was alone, he let go a deep sigh he didn't know he was holding.  
He got the room already ready for the night. Put his sleep shirt under the pillow, the toothbrush above the sink, he grabbed the pack of cigarettes and put it in his black jeans' pocket with the car keys. He stood in the middle of the room for a few seconds. He needed to see his friends. He needed to make fun of them, needed to laugh, to tell his jokes, to see how they were doing. He couldn't wait to see Bev and Stan, his closest best friends, after Eddie of course, and most of all he couldn't wait to drink his way to forget what happened a few hours prior with Eddie, the taste of guilt and embarrassment still in his mouth. He washed his face in the bathroom and then went out of the room. Eddie's door was still closed. He knocked and yelled loudly "¡Eduardo, vamonos! We're late!" but he heard no reply in return. He knocked again and then started to panic.  
There was this bad feeling, the feeling of danger that was overwhelming. Something was wrong, really wrong in that place, he could feel it.  
_"Fuck. What do I do?" _he thought, but the decision was already made. He slammed the door open, worry on his face.  
Eddie was sitting on the bed. He didn't look hurt, but something was off. He had puffy red eyes and looked like he didn't even notice Richie's entrance. The luggage was still closed and full of his stuff, everything made clear that the only thing he did in the five minutes Richie was in his room was sitting there looking blankly at the wall. Richie wasn't even aware that he had closed the door and crossed the room in less than one second.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Eddie gave no sign to have even heard what Richie said.  
"You're scaring the hell out of me Eds, please, what's wrong?" he knew he sounded desperate, frantic, but he didn't give a shit at the moment, he was at the verge of a panic attack. Finally, the other man spoke.  
"There's something... there's something off. I feel... weird. I don't want to go. I want to go home" Eddie whispered, his eyes still focused on the wall. Richie kneeled in front of him, and looked at him in the eyes. That worked. The man shifted his vision and looked back at him.  
"As soon as we see something wrong we go back to California. Don't worry"  
"You sure?"  
Richie grinned "Pinky promise?" and the other man pushed him jokingly.  
"Fuck off" he chuckled.  
"Your mom would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you, so..."  
"Weren't we over mum jokes because I told you my mom died?"  
"Fuck, you're right!" Richie said, covering his mouth with his left hand. Eddie smiled and then puckered his lips and Richie made the biggest mistake of the day. He looked at them. And as soon as he did, he knew he was gonna make a mistake even bigger.  
A mistake he already knew it wasn't going to end well. A mistake he already made before. And he was going to do it anyway.  
So he did. It was hard, almost painful, it took all his strength, but he did. It would have been far more painful if he didn't, anyway. He leaned closer slowly, giving him time to move away if he didn't want it and brushed gently the other's lips with his own. For a moment it was like the world stopped existing. When they parted they were both breathless and silent. Richie was going to say something when he watched Eddie, eyes wide, grabbing the inhaler and bringing it to his mouth. He was looking at him in shock.  
Richie felt weak and hopeless all of a sudden. He jumped on his feet and moved a step back.  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

_"Don't touch the other boys, or they'll know your secret. Truth or dare Richie? I know your secret, a dirty little secret..." _

He held his head and closed his eyes. He was feeling sick, sick for what he had just done and for something else he couldn't remember properly. Something evil, something dark.

_"Don't touch the other boys. Don't touch the other boys. Don't touch..."_

"I'm sorry" he said, overwhelmed with a sense of guilt that burdened his chest. His legs were weak and he thought he was going to fall on the floor. Eddie was still looking at him with those big eyes he loved, and didn't say a word.  
_"Now he won't talk to me anymore. I lost him again. It's my fault"_  
"Oh my god, I'm sorry. Lance was right. Lance was right there's something wrong in me. There's something wrong I... I shouldn't have..."  
Eddie shook his head and frowned at the words. He stood up and moved a step closer, even if he looked hesitating. His eyes were burning.  
"What did you say?" he croaked, his voice dry. "What did _he_ say to you?"  
"Did I say it out loud?" Richie asked, and looked at him in confusion. He was about to pass out probably. He felt like he couldn't move and his breathing was so fast he felt like oxygen wasn't reaching is lungs.  
"You're right" Eddie said, and Richie wanted to disappear.  
_"There's something wrong with me. It's my fault"_  
"You're right, that Lance is a piece of shit, indeed"  
"Wh... what?"  
_"Why are we talking about this? What's happening?"_  
"He's a piece of shit, you don't deserve any of this"  
One step closer. Eddie looked scared but definitely not angry. He looked like he was having an internal fight Richie didn't understand.  
"There's nothing wrong with what you did. There's nothing wrong about what I did, either"  
One step closer and Richie was able to feel the other man's breath. He frowned but wasn't able to go away or push him, even if the closeness was killing him.  
"What did you do?" he whispered.  
"This"  
And then the world became a big blank space because it was Eddie who was kissing him. It was like a switch clicked inside him and he lost all the coherence in his mind. It was like the handbrake inside him suddenly broke in a thousand pieces. It was like the tires that were tying him just ripped.  
He felt like Eddie was going to part their lips and Richie instinctively stopped him, grabbing the back of his head and letting his fingers caress his hair. He wanted more.  
His free hand run to the other's back and he stepped forward, making him draw back. His head was a mess and he wasn't aware of what he was doing, instinct leading him, but his friend didn't seem to mind this at all.  
He felt Eddie's hands slipping inside his shirt and rubbing his back. He tightened the hold in his hair and deepened the kiss. Eddie let him in with a soft moan and that drove him definitely crazy. He bit his lower lip and the other let out a sigh. His heart was beating so fast it could have ripped off his chest, and he was nearly breathless. Their hands were exploring one another, touching their necks, shoulders, ears, backs, hair.  
When they were both breathless they finally parted, panting with their foreheads touching.

"Sorry. I may have lost control over myself a bit" Richie whispered.  
_"You look like a teenager with an hormonal breakdown" _he thought.  
Eddie bursted into an hysterical laugh. "Me too. Fuck. I feel so weird"  
"Me too" he said, and then added "If I knew it would have ended like this I would have done it sooner"  
"No, it was... it was okay like this. I wasn't ready before, I think"  
"And now you are?"  
The other quickly kissed him on the lips again, an act of bravery that seemed like it surprised even himself.  
"I don't know, what do you say?"  
_"Oh dear, I love him" _Richie thought, and blurted out "Let's stay here tonight"  
"Rich, the dinner! We promised!"  
"Who cares? Let's break the promise! Screw them!"  
"Ten minutes ago _you_ was forcing _me_ to go there!"  
"Ten minutes ago I didn't have something better to do, now I have!"  
He looked at him with an hopeful glance but soon realised he wasn't going to succeed. He rolled his eyes.  
"Okay, okay, but only because you're asking me, Eds!"  
"Don't call me Eds. You know I hate it"  
Richie ignored him and grabbed his arm. "Let's go, I'm hungry and I want to see the others, I missed them!"  
They exited the room, Richie basically carrying Eddie with him down the stairs. "I really can't wait to see how Big Ben is doing!"  
"_Big Ben_? You really are an asshole!"  
"You wouldn't like me if I weren't"  
"And who says I like you, exactly?" the other asked playfully as they looked for the car in the parking lot.  
"Your mom surely likes me a lot!"  
"Beep beep Trashmout! Didn't we get rid of mom jokes?"  
"Don't be like this Eds, I'm happy!"  
"I see" the other grinned, he was staring fondly at him.  
Richie jumped in the car, he was on cloud nine. He felt that what has been silently missing in his life all this time was finally okay now. It felt so right he wasn't even feeling Derry's poisonous air filling his lungs.  
"Everything's going to be okay, right?"  
Eddie asked, still a bit worried.  
"Of course, Eds. It's just an old friend's reunion, that's all"  
And, God forgive him, he truly meant it. Eddie smiled at him, and that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too bad it wasn't only an excuse to have a proper old friends' reunion and they'll have to face a killer clown only for Eddie to die alone without knowing Richie had loved him all his life.  
....  
...  
... unless????!!!!!?????
> 
> I'm planning to write a sequel, a fix it to be exact. And when I say "fix it" I mean FIX IT. Eddie, Stanley, Georgie and hopefully Adrian Mellon too.  
But I'm currently writing a multichapter Hogwarts!AU so it will probably take me some time.
> 
> Let me know what you think about it in the comments!
> 
> Thanks for everything, ily <3


End file.
